Now I know I have a heart, because it’s breaking… (Part 10)

I looked at Flan and he looked at me, his eyes lit up and he locked his arms around me and literally swept me off my feet. I was a little taken back at his reaction but nevertheless enjoyed the moment while it lasted. He put me down and looked me in the eye and whispered.

“Don’t run away this time”

With finishing his sentance he came so close to my face that I could feel his breath on my lips and kissed me, it was gentle but meaningful, soft but aggressive, short but sweet. I put my arms around him and hugged him for what felt like forever. The breeze was cold, the warm sun was setting behind the buildings in the distance. This felt so right but I knew it was wrong. I felt a gust of wind so we decided to go inside and eat our dinner.

We talked and talked, we talked more than we ate. After we were done we realised it was getting too late for me to leave so Flan changed the sheets for me in his room and he went to sleep in his moms room. Before he left he planted a kiss on my forehead and proceeded to leave. I called out to him.

“Flan…”
“3yoon Flan…”
“I love you”
“I love you more”

I curled up in the bed and my mind began to drift, far away. I fell asleep but the sounds of the city woke me up, the sirens blaring in the distance, the cars honking, the three drunken fools singing Judy Garland’s ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’ so out of tune that it hurt my ears. In my state of mind between awake and asleep I began to wonder was I Dorothy? Was Aunty Em waiting for me back in Kansas, Flan was my Toto, always rescuing me. Only difference is I wasn’t wearing my ruby red slippers, they were buried under my mounds of clothes in my suitcase because I wanted to stay here in Oz, I didn’t belong in Kuwait Kansas. Between dreaming of Oz and muttering my prayers under my breath I fell asleep again.

Flan came and knocked on the door at 8 am. I got up, put my dressing gown on and opened the door. He was standing with a plain white tshirt on and navy pyjama trousers.

“9aba7 el khayr 7abeebti”
“9aba7 el noor”
“Yalla goomay, 9a79e7ay so we can go grab some breakfast gabel la enroo7 el mostashfa”
“Enshallah”

I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I walked back to my room, opened the suitcase that held all my make shift outfits. God! This couldn’t be more difficult, I literally threw the clothes into the suitcase when I was packing. I finally settled for my white Marni t-shirt dress. Being the shoe whore that I am, I decided to leave the prive pumps at home and put on my baby blue ballet slippers. I ran my fingers through my hair and pinned it up in a messy bun, twisting the sides up in a greek way. I kept my look simple, with just a pair of stud earrings and a bit of colourless lip gloss.

We walked out of our home together down the street to Starbucks, ate our croissants and downed our coffees. Hailed a cab to the hospital.

Sitting in the back of the black cab we made conversation with the driver. He asked how Flan and I met.

“In an elevator” he said moving his hand close to me and linking it in mine.
I smiled.

We got to the hospital and went up to this moms room, there was a lot of commotion around her room, the nurses were zooming in and out. I looked at Flan and he looked at me with a worried look on his face. We walked towards the end of the corridor where her room was.
The head nurse stood at the door way not allowing us to go in.

“She’s my mother. Move out of the way”
“I’m sorry sir I’m afraid I can’t let you in”

“Flana 6al3eeha min jidam wayhi… NOW”

“Look, please just move out of the way, you can’t do this to him”
“Maam.. I’m afraid I can’t…”

Flan didn’t let her finish talking he pushed the door open. I walked in after him only to find Khalty in a state of unconsciousness.
He didn’t have any expressions on his face, neither did I.

“Are you her son?” Asked the doctor
“Yes”
“I’m afraid her situation is deteriorating Mr Flan, her organs are failing one by one. At this stage there is nothing we can do. She is currently unconscious, you can stay in the room and talk to her if you wish, she will not be able to respond”

Everyone left the room, I was about to leave but I held onto his hand, squeezing, as if to say I’m here for you and then walked outside.

I waited outside, silent tears streaming down my face. I look at my watch, 10 minutes have passed, 15… 20 minutes later Flan walks out, no tears, no expression, nothing, I’ve never seen his face so lifeless. As soon as our eyes met he fell in my arms, and started to cry. I hold on to him, my petite frame struggling to balance a fully grown man that has lost all control of his senses.

I couldn’t see him like this… God only knows how much this killed me on the inside, but I remained strong for Flan.

I think it’s time I held onto Toto, put my ruby red slippers on, click my heels three times and head back to Kansas… I wanted this dream to be over

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Emily Kay Photography on Flickr