Dear Readers,
Journal Entry 13 of Roses are Red is now up.
Enjoy, and you’re feedback would be highly appreciated.
Love, Flana
xoxo

Dear readers,
Join me tomorrow tonight – Saturday 15th August at the Ramadhanian easy-wear collection & prayer sets in Beit Lothan @ the Safsafa Room from 10am–2pm & from 5pm-10pm. The exhibition will be on until Tuesday 18th August.

Love, Flana xoxo
Ps: be on the look out ‘cos I’m going to be there ;)

Hi everyone, another announcement, I’m on Twitter now you can follow me here – @flana_

نحن نستمتع بقراءة كل ردودكم و تعليقاتكم، تقريباً، ولا نمانع انتقاداتكم. لكن اللجوء إلى التهجم والتهديدات الشخصية.. فهذا أمر لا نقبله. ونود أن نلفت إنتباه من إعتقد أن بإمكانه التحكم بمانكتب ومالا نكتب بأنه شخص غير واقعي. التدوين شيء جديد على البعض لكنه جميل. نرجو أن يبقى كذلك

Please send a blank e-mail to my e-mail for further details about my next story

flana.alflan@hotmail.com 

Thanks

Love Flana

xoxo

I walk down the busy streets of Paris lugging my heavy portfolio and trying to balance my 4 inch heels between the cracks in the pavement, out of nowhere a scooter zooms past me knocking my portfolio out of my hand, sending all my drawings in different directions.

“Je suis desole” he shouts in the distance

I ignore him and run around collecting my papers that have now flown across the street.

I call out for help to a guy standing across the street looking at me.

“Monsieur, aidez moi s’il vous plait!!”

He looked shady in his trench coat and aviator sunglasses, but I had no choice, my papers where everywhere, I continued collecting them and bent down to put them back in my portfolio, I could hear his footsteps coming to me, I looked up to take my papers from him, put them in my portfolio.

“Merci beaucoup”

“I’m sorry I don’t speak french, but these drawings are beautiful…” said his extremely familiar voice.

I stood up looked him straight in the eye and exclaimed.

“Flan?!”

He only smiled.

“Oh my gosh what a pleasant surprise, it’s so nice to see a familiar face”

“What are you doing here?”

“Umm… I know this sounds weird coming from me but do you want to go sit somewhere and catch up? It has been – what? – 7 years?”

“Ya sure why not?” He smiled, his nose crinkling

“Bes ana 3azmitik” I giggled “After all… This is my city”

“Yalla laysh la2?”

We walked together, but stood an awkard distance from each other, we finally reached Ladurée at Avenue Des Champs Elysées. We sat in the plush navy blue chairs, facing each other.

“They don’t serve after eight mochas here but will a latte do?”

He laughed “Ya, I think it’ll be fine”

“Est-ce-que Je peux avoir deux cafes au lait avec des macarons s’il vous plait”

The waiter nodded his head.

“9ayra french, 7arakat, 7arakat” He winked

“Ya, well you pick it up after a few years”

“Wow… How long have you been here?”

“Quite a while, Kuwait drove me crazy, I couldn’t deal with everything there…”

“And that…?” he said pointing at the solitaire ring on my finger

“That… My parents gave me that as a present after releasing my first book”

“Mashallah! What book would that be?’

“A book about fashion design, it’s in french, you wouldn’t know it…”

“Mashallah, mashallah, wallah I’m overwhelmed”

“I work for a designer now, it’s a large company that produces clothes but I’m opening my own store here very soon, all my designs, everything I’ve been working on for the past 3 years, I designed the interior, the clothes, everything… Enough about me, how have you been?”

“Wallah great, the business is doing well, I’m concentrating on work and nothing else, everybody is well…”

“Wow, it really has been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Ee…” He smiled

Our coffee arrived. I watched him purse his lips and sip the coffee, and biting into the macaroon as the cherry oozed out and the sound of appreciation coming shortly afterwards.

“This is my favourite” I smiled as I handed him a rasberry flavoured macaroon.

“Mmm…”

“It’s good right?” I giggled at the faces he was making

His hair had scattered grey hairs in it, he had lost a lot of weight, I guess people do change.

I received a phone call.

“I’m sorry, I need to take this”

‘La, it’s okay, go ahead”

I stood up from my chair and walked outside, I could see him looking at me through the glass, he called the waiter over and struggled trying to order something, I laughed out loud and when he saw me stuck his tongue out. I couldn’t believe he was still this silly after 7 years. I shook my head and turned away to attend to my phone call without his nuisance disrupting me. After I was done I went in and sat back down

“I’m sorry about that”

“Business woman ba3ad… Min gadich?” He winked

“I’m still Flana…”

________

Juju, I’m sitting with Flan at Laduree having coffee

WTH?

Yes, you read it right!

Flana it has been 7 years… Please just forgive him, you both know you can’t live without each other…

I lived without him for so long Jooj, I don’t know if I can ever trust another man again, especially him.

Just do what you feel is right babe, I love you, see you in 2 weeks time xoxo

________

We finished our coffee’s and walked down the secluded back alleys of Paris.

“You know how you said people change?”

“I never said that… I was thinking it…”

“Ya well somethings never change, I can still read your mind”

“Oh really? Then what am I thinking of right now?”

“How much you miss your Flan”

“No I’m not, think harder…”

“That’s the only message I’m getting” His tone of voice turned from comedic to dramatic

“That’s for me to know and you to find out”

“Akhaf bes?” He said breaking the awkwardness “I know you miss me”

We walked further and further until eventually we got to a street that not even I had seen before, we sat on the bench, the cold breeze was turning my lips blue, I began to shiver from the cold.

“Bardana Flana?”

“Yes” I managed to spit out. “I didn’t think I’d be out this late, it usually gets colder when the sun goes down…’

“You know it’s been proven that if two people sit really close together it generates heat?”

I managed to giggle “Yes”

He pulled me close to his chest and wrapped his arms around me, I put my frozen fingers in his pocket.

“You know something Flana?”

“I’d rather be freezing in a storm but have you beside me, then be indoors in the warmth”

I lifted my head up and kissed his forehead.

“I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said”

“People do change Flana… I’m not the guy I used to be, I’m much older now”

I called up the number of a taxi driver I knew and managed to explain to him where we were. 15 minutes later we were defrosting in the back of the warm car. Flan dropped me home first then went back to his hotel. I took his hotel room number and called him as soon as I got home.

“Aloo?”

“Hi…”

“Hala walla… Ha we9altay?”

“Yup, I’m home, safe and sound, hey listen, I’m boiling some water, why don’t you come over and make me some of that infamous pasta?”

“I’m warning you, tara the recipe ti6awar”

“I think I’ll give it a shot”

“Ok… Let me change my clothes and come over, half an hour max”

As certain as the sun he was at my place in a little under half an hour.

We sat by the fire place eating his infamous pasta and talked and talked ’till the sun came out. When it did we went and sat on the balcony…

“Flana…?”

“Yes…”

“If you got another solitaire ring… Where would you put the one your parents gave you?”

“I don’t know… What a silly question…” I played dumb

“I mean, what if you – say – got married…? Where would you wear the ring they gave you?”

“On a different finger…”

“What if you wanted to marry a guy who lived in Kuwait? Would you live there or here…”

“Well, I wouldn’t leave here… My life is here”

“What if his life was there?”

“If he loved me that much and really wanted me then he would sacrifice what he has back there for me…”

“What if he does sacrifice everything for you?”

“It depends who he is” I still pretended to be dumb

“Someone you had history with…”

“I would have to love him enough to let him back into my life… I would have to be 100% sure he won’t in anyway try to hurt me…”

“Do you love me enough to let me back in to your life Flana…?”

I looked at him for a moment…

“I think so…”

I got up from the straw seat I was sitting on, my crochet blanket clung to the bits that were sticking out, he got up to come help me out of it and our heads hit into each other.

“Ouch…” I exclaimed rubbing my forehead and seeing him do the same made me giggle. He took me into his arms and hugged me, the hug that I thought about everyday for 7 years, the one thing I missed the most about him were his hugs, they were so warm and full of love.

“I missed you so much Flana…”

“Ana akthar…”

2 weeks past in the blink of an eye, we walked everywhere together, we clubbed together, we danced in the rain, we went to the Eiffel Tower, shared blankets for endless nights on my balcony, had picnics in the grass, he visited me at work with large bouquets of flowers. This was the Flan that I missed, and even better. The distance and times apart only made us stronger.

The night before we left to Kuwait was his birthday, I wrote him a long love letter telling him how much I missed him, how much I suffered without him, how much I prayed for our paths to cross and finally 7 long years later God granted me my prayers, I ended the letter with my favourite quote…

“You were always close, never apart, only in distance but never at heart…”

My one month holiday in Kuwait also went by really fast, afternoons were spent organising the wedding, running around getting things sorted out. I left for a while, got my dress made and at the end of winter I was back in Kuwait.

The morning of my wedding was the busiest day in my life. I walked downstairs to the Ballroom in the Sheraton and looked at the beautiful white Lilly’s that adorned the walls and ceilings, the flowers were more expensive than the setting. I walked around in my grey track pants and loose t-shirt, before I knew it I heard squeals and chatter at the doorway. I turned around only to find my 3 favourite girls in the world, they ran towards me hugging me and kissing me.

“So princess? Are you ready for tonight…?”

I smiled “Of course I am… I’m finally happy”

They all looked at me and sighed “Awww…”

“Now let’s go upstairs before my mum has a nervous fit” I giggled

________

I sat on my kosha, looking stunning in my wedding dress, people were smiling at me left right and centre. For the first time in my life I wasn’t hesitant to what I was doing, I knew this was right, I knew this is what I wanted.

A few hours later it was time for Flan to walk in. All the women covered their bare shoulders with shawls and I just sat there, knowing that finally my prince charming was coming.

He walked in and once again, everything just blurred out, there he was, my Flan, my most prized possession. The love of my life was mine once again.

“Et ils vécurent heureux jusqu’ à la fin du temps…”

“Walla ana akthar Flana… Walla ana akthar”

I remained quiet

“Flana don’t let go”

“I really need to leave”

“Flana please let me hold you”

After about a whole minute of silence I let go of him and he walked me back to my car, I sat with my feet outside the door and he kneeled down infront of me.

“Flan…”

“Shhh.. don’t say anything” he said ever so quietly as he brought his lips up to my face and kissed my mouth for what felt like an eternity.

“I’m gonna miss this, I’m gonna miss everything about you”

“Ana akthar, but I have to do what’s right, and this isn’t”

“Don’t leave…”

“I have to Flan…”

I said as I struggled my hands out of his, I closed the door and watched the love of my life walk away. I knew this was going to be the start of a long heart-breaking journey, I knew all the consequences that came along with it, I knew all of it. But I had to leave.

I drove home, quiet tear drops rolling down my cheeks, Mohammed Abdo as usual managed to just make me cry even more, this wasn’t one of our songs but I’d recently discovered it, the sound of his empowering voice and the stength of the lyrics tore me up inside and out

أحبــــك كل ما فيني يحبك يا خلي الــبــــال
تخيلتك دواي و صرت جرحي الصعب يا خلّي
تعبت أرحل مع وجيه البشر بانساك بالترحال
و لا ادري وش يجيبك في وجيه الناس واهلّي

I stepped into my house and walked up the marble stairs, into my room, I collected all the things he’d bought me, all the notes he left on my desk, the dried up flowers, the CD with all our photographs, the polaroid pictures… The gifts were endless, I finally unscrewed my LOVE bangle, placed that in the box, sealed it and put it at the back of my shoe closet. I walked over to bed, opened my laptop and started writing my resignation paper. After shortly e-mailing it to my superior and I made sure to CC flan I closed my laptop and put my head down to sleep, I knew I would feel better tomorrow.

7 years later…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Levent B on Flickr

He quickly let go of my hand, I’ve never felt so abandoned… I put my head down and looked at my two hands in my lap, I could feel my cheeks turning the colour of my nails, a light shade of crimson.

“Dalal – nice to meet you” she said as she stuck her hand out to say hello to me.

I look up at her and her piercing hazel eyes went right through me. Her features were so sharp and defined.

“Flana… nice to meet you too…” I managed to stammer.

“Dalal? What are you doing here?” He said looking shocked
“Walla maku…” she said, I could feel her looking at me

He got up and took her beside the stairs and I sat, soaking in sorrow. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I thought to myself should I get up and leave? Should I stay? Should I let him explain himself? I don’t need an explanation, I don’t need his apologies so I should just walk out of here.

I could hear their chatter in the distance. I heard my name, she pointed at me as she put one hand on her waist. I shook my head in dismay and signalled to Khaled to bring the bill, I refused to stay here and be humiliated like this.

I waited and waited but could not wait any longer, her voice was getting louder and louder by the second, I didn’t want to be a part of this… She was slowly moving towards my table, she didn’t look like the type of person I would want to get involved with.

I put a 5KD bill on the table and proceeded to walk out.

“Flana…”
I hear a voice behind me and I don’t even flinch.
“Flana… Flana… Stop!”
I turn around abruptly look Flan in the eye and say
“You looked torn between the two Flan so I made your decision easier by walking out…”
“That’s not what it’s like Flana… I swear it isn’t, she knows I don’t want her, she knows I don’t wanna be with her… Flana please hear me out”
“You lied to me before, God only knows you could do it again, I can never trust you with anything again, I just can’t”

I continued walking and he followed still going on and on and on.

“Ok Flan… so tell me this…” I said without turning around, the raindrops falling on my head “Why didn’t you show up at my house? Why did you break my heart? If you think this is about Dalal, it isn’t, I would do this even if I didn’t know she existed”
I shortly stopped, looked him in the eye, rain rolling down my cheeks and splashing on my hand.

“You hurt me Flan, you hurt me so badly that I can never look at you in the same way… never”

“Flana please, 7abeebti intai, I swear to God I love you”

“Don’t swear to God Flan! La ta7lif w enta chathab, I did everything for you, I lied to my parents, I travelled half way across the world for you… I did everything… The only thing you managed to do is break my heart”

I unlocked my car and stepped in, closing the door behind me, he opened it and took the key from my hand…

“Flana please, don’t do this, please just let me sit in the car, dishdashti imnage3a”

I had no choice, he had my car keys. I shook my head and signalled for him to get in.

“Flana… Latlifeen wayhich, please just look at me… I’m not just gonna let you leave, you’ll see Flana, wala mara7 ahidich…” he said as he brought his hand up to hold mine.

“There’s nothing to look at Flan, just give me my keys back, let me go home”

We sat in the secluded parking lot behind casper, the rain pounding at the roof of my car, it was the only sound we could hear, well he could hear because the sound of my heart racing in my chest could only be heard by me. Flan frightened me, especially when he was angry, he was like a ticking time bomb that could explode at any second.

“So is this the last time I’m ever gonna see you?”

“I think so Flan… If our paths cross then okay, but I would rather they didn’t”

“La hal daraja jara7tich?”

“I’ve never been this hurt in my life… The wounds will heal, but only I can still see the scars”

“You know that no one has ever meant this much to me right?”

I refused to answer him, I simply turned my head to look outside the window, if no one ever meant this much to him how could he have possibly hurt me like this, I thought to my self as a tear rolled down my cheek.

“I’m gonna let you go now Flana, bes 9adgeeny I’m always here for you…”

I remained silent as he dropped my key into my lap, leaned over and kissed my forehead ever so gently and for a split second longer than he should have… he then turned to walk out of the car. The second his lips touched my forehead the tears overwhelmed my eyes…

My Flan was gone for good. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry… How was I going to survive? He was my strength when I was weak, my shelter from the storm, my everything… my everything was gone.
Without thinking I opened the door, called out his name, he turned around, I walked over and threw my arms around him, hugging him and taking in his smell for as long as I possibly could.

“I’m gonna miss you so much”
NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Hamad M on Flickr

“Answer, answer put it on speaker” I urged

“Aloo?”
“Alooooo, hala Khulood, shlonich?”
“Bkhayr el 7emdela, entai shlonich?”
“Walla bkhayr, it was so nice seeing you today… Tyanineen, chinich 3aroosa in your white dress”
Khulood giggled
“Thanks I guess, if that’s a compliment”
“3ala 6ary mi3arees, sima3t ina rifeejtich Flana btakhith Flan Al Flani, 9ij wela isha3a?”

My heart sank to my gut when I heard his name from her lips

“Ummm… Walla ma wi9alny hal khabar”
“Khulood 7abeebti” She said in the most evil tone “Flana is your best friend, I’m pretty sure if she was getting married you would know about it, so why are we beating around the bush? Just tell me”
“Dalal, if Flana was getting married I would let you know… 9adgeeny”
“Okay… El muhim goolay 7ag Flana Dalal Al Flani etsalem 3alaych, I’m sure she knows who I am…”
“Inshallah yo9al”

I looked at her still in shock.

“Is she for real?”
“You heard it yourself…”

I sat for a moment in silence, still digesting all the events that had taken place that day, and thought to myself that time is the only one who holds the answer to my questions.
I went to sleep last night, no closure, no answers, no nothing. Nothing except a single message from Flan that not only left me sick to my stomach, but made me want to throw my phone out the window.

You’re the one I want, I love you so much… Entai el wa7eeda ily ib galbi

“Ya right…” I said to myself out loud

This must mean that he wants to be with me, not Dalal, but no, I won’t ever go back to him, I will never be the other woman. I was sure of my decision, I knew I missed him, I knew I loved him, but I also knew that being with him would not let me be the strong woman that I am… Little did I know that meeting Flan for coffee might make me change my mind.

5 Long winded days later

I drove up to the parking lot for the church in Kuwait City, stepped out of my car I decided not to go for heels, but a pair of ballerina’s with sheer tights and a t-shirt dress. I pulled my oversized bag or ’suitcase’ as Flan liked to call it over my shoulder and walked towards Casper & Gambinis, this place held so many memories for Flan and I that I was getting nostalgic just walking in.

The times we went and sat there together for hours on end, I would put my feet up and play brick breaker, he would read the newspaper and sit on the phone and argue about stocks and shares with his friend.

We stole kisses in the parking lot, shared coffee on the leather couches, did the crossword in the newspaper.
I was preparing to break a wall that took so long to build, a wall that I felt like I was now on the other side of. Nothing and no-one could stop me now.

I walked towards the door and I felt a hand on my back, I jumped and turned around it was him. He looked stunning as usual.

“Khara3tny…”
He smiled
“I’m serious, don’t do that again”
“Inshallah 7abeebti… I missed you” he smiled again, and the dimple on his cheek appeared

I felt weak in the knees. Snap out of it I urged myself

I smiled back but cringed on the inside knowing he wouldn’t be the same when we walked out.

“Khaled can I get two after 8 mochas, room temperature water and a pack of cigarettes”
“Yes sir, sure”

“Look, I know what you brought me here to talk about, and ana 7as 3alaych metghayra 3alay, I promise you what happened will never happen again Flana, I honestly don’t know what came on to me, please Flana give me another chance to prove to you how much you mean to me… You know how much I love you, and you know I would sacrifice everything in this world for you…”

“But would you sacrifice being with Dalal for me…?”

He looked at me dumbfound and after a few seconds his lips parted to speak

“You can close your mouth Flan because I heard it all before, I know it all, there is nothing you can say to fix this”

“Flana, that was in the past, now you’re here, I’m in love with you…”

“Flan, I’ve fallen out of love with you, I love you, yes” I said as I put his hand in mine “… but I’m not in love with you, you promised that girl that you would marry her but you fell in love with someone else, who knows one day you won’t do the same to me…?”

“I would never do that to you Flana…”

“Even if you could promise me the world Flan, I could never be with you, you jilted me at my own khi6ba, you lied to me, you lied to her…”

“I didn’t lie Flana” He raised his voice “I am in love with you!”

“Flan, lat3alee 9otik, ga3d akalmik ib hidoo2, all I want is closure, nothing more, nothing less”

“I don’t want closure Flana, I want you”

“I came here to get my point across to you, I didn’t come here to argue, I didn’t come here for you to beg for me back Flan, you need to understand this… I could have called you and ended this on the phone but I didn’t, because I love you, and you held a place in my heart that no one can…”

He turned his head to face away from me and my heart fell in my gut, I couldn’t bare to see him like this, it hurt me more than anything…

I wanted to let go of his hand, but when he felt like I was about to he held on tighter

“How long have you known about Dalal?”

He said without even turning around

“Since the day I had my fall”

“Do you hate me?”

“I hate what you did to me, I hate the fact that someone I loved so much had the ability to hurt me like this, I hate that you kept a secret like this from me, I hate that I cried myself to sleep… But no Flan, I don’t hate you”

“So you hate me?” He said as his eyes watered up, he did not shed a single tear but his eyes filled up with them

“Flan, you need to understand that I love you, because of everything we went through because no one has ever done for me what you’ve done… But because of this I can never be with you, this is why I need to give this back…” I said as I pulled out his mothers ring and placed it on the wooden table in front of us.

“No Flana” He whispered
“My mother gave this to you”

“I can’t keep it Flan, not if hell freezes over… I don’t need another memory of the love we used to share”

He took the ring off the table with his free hand and put it in our interlocked hands

“No” I whispered and shook my head

I heard the sound of the door opening, and loud laughter followed.

This really pretty girl walks in wearing skin tight jeans and an equally skin tight t-shirt, her long hazel coloured hair fell at the side, she was so beautiful that you couldn’t help but notice her… She looks me in the eye, looks at Flan and announces for the whole of Casper to hear…

“Oh… Flan” She smiled “What a surprise…”

“Dalal?” said Flan… His face still in disbelief…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: PeaSap on Flickr

I remained as cold as a block of ice until it was time to get out of the car

“Put your hand on my shoulder”
“I think I’ll be fine, thanks”
“Flana, please, please lat3andeen”
“Ma ga3d a3anid, I just want you to step away please”
“I’m not gonna move, I’m gonna help you”
“I don’t need your help Flan! Just move away”

Juju came running towards us after hearing the commotion.

“Flana shfeech?”
“Nothing, I just seem to have sprained my ankle or something and I can’t really walk, please just call someone to get me a wheel chair”
“Inshallah 7abeebti”

I sat in the passenger seat of his car, facing away from him, I had both my feet out the door, I could feel his eyes burning through the back of my head, but I continued to look away from him.

“Flana, could you please just give me the chance, let me explain myself, you don’t understand the things that were running through my mind, I was so scared to show up, I knew you’d be upset, I don’t know what came on to me… Flana please… Just give me one last chance, let me prove to you how much I need you. Flana walla a7ibich, I need you in my life, I don’t think I can live without you… I know I can’t live without you… You complete me…”

“Ya… Well Flan… You don’t complete me”

I said without even turning back, Juju helped me out of the car. As soon as I heard his car speed away I burst into tears.

“7abeebti, just tell me what got into you to let you get into his car like that?”
“I missed him so much” I choked between tears
“Bes 7abeebti, e7na sheno gelna about being strong?”
“When I saw him it all just went away”
“I know baby… Bes still… Look lets just get this sorted out and then we’ll talk… Ok mama?”
“Ok”

We left the hospital, as soon as I got into the car I received a message from him

Ra7 tindimeen 3al kilma gilteeha Flana

We shortly arrived at my house, I struggled to walk to the front door in my crutches. My brother carried me up the stairs and into bed.

“Ayeeblich shay 7abeebti…”
“La.. Thanks 7abeebi, I’m good”

I messaged the girls letting them know what had happened:

Matshoofeen shar 7abeebti, we’re at an afternoon tea, will pass by when doneI closed my eyes and drifted to sleep, I dreamt of Dalal, and what she looked like, and how she danced at a gathering and seduced Flan with her long hair, everyone was mesmerised by her rhythm, the music progressed into a louder beat and her hair grew longer by the second, it was as long as Rapunzel’s hair… She spun the whole room into a spell, before I knew it I was awaken by Khulood removing my hair from my face.

“Good morning Sunshine” She smiled
“Good morning” I replied not enthusiastically
“You looked like you were dreaming, what were you dreaming about…?”
“Waii Khulood, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare”

I went back and told her everything that had happened that morning, I went on and on and on about who this Dalal person could be…

“Well 7abeebti… I think I can tell you who Dalal is…”
I sat up from bed and attacked Khulood with my questions

“Shoofay… I can’t guarantee all the information 100% but I’m gonna tell you what I’m sure of, Dalal salamich Allah is his ex, she went to LA to study and they decided they couldn’t do long distance so they broke up, now the next part I’m not 100% sure of but what’s being said is that he promised to marry her as soon as she gets back, now she’s back… And you’re in the picture”

My eyes filled with tears, tears that could no longer fall, tears that just lingered at the bottom of my eyes. the pain in my chest enabled me from speaking, my heart began to ache and I could feel the anger bubbling inside of me.

“7abeebti, you know you’re stronger than this…”

“I’m not as strong as you all think I am, underneath all this taraI’m just like you… I can’t deal with this anymore Khulood, there comes a point where I can’t handle being so heart-broken, I can’t deal with the tears and the sleepless nights… It hurts Khulood, walla it hurts… If there was a pill to stop this pain I would take it in a heartbeat…”

“There is no pill mama, but there is us, we’re here, we’re stronger than any pill that would make you feel better, you not only have one or two shoulders two cry on, you have three… Plus you have your parents, they’re the most understanding people in the world…”

“I know Khulood, but even that is sometimes not enough… Flan has filled a void and taken it away so fast that no can replace that…”

“7abeebti, there is plenty of fish in the sea…”

“But he’s the fish for me”

“Well he obviously isn’t so you need to start getting over him as soon as you can mama”

She pulled out her clutch, lit a cigarette and handed it to me…

“Lock the door” I said

“You’re gonna need to call him and tell him how it is, don’t be the weak one, be strong… We’re all sitting here with you, you have nothing to worry about” Juju said as she rubbed my shoulder

“But… but”

“But nothing… Pick up your phone and dial his number”

Calling Flan

“He has call waiting”

“He’ll call you back…”

“This is a mistake… Walla this is a mistake…”

Incoming Call
Flan

“Aloo”
“Hala Flana… Are you feeling better?”
“Ee el 7emdella… Listen… I need to meet up with you somewhere and talk”

Juju rolled her eyes and Sarah mouthed “Just tell him”

“Ok 7abeebti, sure… just tell me where and when and I’ll be there”
“In a couple of days until my ankle gets better…”
“Flana…”
I weakened at the sound of his voice saying my name
“Hala…?”
“Walhana 3alay?”

The girls all rolled their eyes and Juju mimicked shooting herself in the head because they could hear what he was saying…

“Do you?” I returned his question with a question

Khulood flashed me a rude gesture with her finger

“6ab3an I do… Flana I’m sorry I sent you that message, I was really upset… I didn’t mean what I said… I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you… “

“Ya.. Me too”

“Ma a7isich tabeen itkalmeeni…”

“Law mabi akalmik chan ma dagayt 3alayk o giltlik lets meet up”

“A7is ga3d t7acheeni min wara khashmich”

“No 7abeebi” I said sarcastically “Ma ga3d a7acheek min wara khashmy”

“Ok.. 3ayal give me a kiss…”

They all sprung up and whispered “No… No!!” “Don’t!”

“Ummm.. 7abeebi I’m really tired… I’ll just speak to you tomorrow…”

“Shda3wa? Ma 6alabt 3yoonich ana…”

“Ee, bes.. There’s people next to me.. Ifham…”

“Aha… Okay, khalas 3ayal… Akalmich ba3dayn… A7ibich”

“Okay.. Bye”
_______________________

“Shit… That couldn’t have been more awkward”

“Ya well you made it awkward… Why didn’t you end it right there and then…”

“Because, I wouldn’t want him to break up with me on the phone… I would rather him be an adult about it and meet me somewhere and tell me face to face”

“Ya… True, you have a point” Juju agreed

Khulood looked at us with a puzzled face as she lifted the screen of her phone for us to see

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Image: The writing in the image was inspired by Megan Fox’s tattoo

So… I’ve been away for about 3 weeks but I assure I’m not empty handed. Below are two different directions of part 15 I will leave them up for about 1 week, maybe more. Let me know which one you prefer and on that I will continue part 15. The one with the most votes wins.

Part 15 – Direction A

I crouched down on the cold marble floor and cried my heart out, before I knew it Juju was knocking on the door
“Flana… Kalamta… He’s coming, he’s gonna be here in 5 minutes”
I unlocked the door, peeked my red eyes from behind the door and whispered
“Really?”

Part 15 – Direction B

The knocks on my bathroom door were endless until eventually they stopped and the chirping sounds of the crickets took over. I was starting to get cold so I went back out to my room and found Juju waiting on the bed…
“Your still here?” I croaked
“You didn’t think I’d let you sleep alone did you?”
“You realise I have work tomorrow right?”
“Yes, and you realise you are going to go and look so fabulous he’s gonna beg for you?”
“Yes…”

I pick up my phone from the bed.

28 Missed Calls
All from him

I look at him in awe still surprised at what he just said

“Bes Flan…”

“Maku bes… I want you… I want you Flana, I cant live like this, I need you in my life, I need to wake up in the morning and not have you be the first thing on my mind, I want you to be the first thing I see when I open my eyes. I’ve never fallen for a woman faster then I’ve fallen for you and deeper then I’ve fallen for you”
“Bes Flan, don’t you think things are too… too fast?”

“No, law 3alay chan elyom gabel bacher I spoke to him, I’m turning 32 soon, I’m not getting any younger, I want to build a family with you, I want to have memories, I want to see my grand children, I wanna see baby Flana’s” he said as he took my hand and smiled

Still in shock I took his hand and brought it up to my lips and kissed it, my eyes teared up.

“Laysh dami3at 3aynich?”
“Because I’m happy”
“7ayati entay” he said as he pulled me close and kissed my forehead “I love you”
“You don’t need to say it, I can tell from your eyes, ana amoot feek”
He walked me to my car and I got in and drove home with the biggest smile on my face.
The next night at around midnight I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, I heard Flans name so I waited quietly behind the door”Yuma, ana mu mit2akid min ily sima3ta 3an Flan bes agdar at2akadlich min hal mawthoo3″
“I’m so worried ya wlaydi, galbi mu merta7 3ala le9bay”
“Don’t be worried, jayiz ina el 7achy bes isha3at, bes ham a7san ina nit2akad”

My mind started to drift far away, but I managed to stop it and say to myself
“Don’t worry Flana, you know he’s perfect, you know that he’s the one, nothing is gonna stop you from being with him”
Little did I know the secret my brother kept from me could change the rest of my life, one word from him to my father would decide my future.

I quietly tip-toed back to my room, my mouth now drier than it was to start off with.
I drifted to sleep and into a dream, images of Flan cheating on me, images of him with another woman started to play in my mind. I decided to put what my brother had said in the back of my mind and not let it take over me completly, que sera sera I thought to my self. Whatever will be will be.

The next few days passed like a blur, I was walking on sunshine, I was on a permanent high. I didn’t realise it was time until one day my dad came back from work and I was sitting watching Sex and the City in my pyjamas.
He looked at me, smiled and said
“Entay my baby, madri shlon biyoon ilyowm byakh6iboonich mini”
I instantly sprung up from my couch in shock
“Today?!?! What the hell? I thought it was next Thursday”
“Ee 3adi shfeeha, just put a nice dress on, entay you always look nice”
“No dad, no! No no no! I have NOTHING picked out, I was supposed to go shopping bacher with the girls
“Ok, just pick something out of your closet”
“I can’t just ‘pick something out of my closet’ dad” I said mimicking the way he said it
“Ok 3ayal go buy something for yourself”

I called the girls, our usual conference call

“I can’t just wear anything you guys”
“You could wear the cute dress I wore for my khi6ba if you wanna get jilted and wait for him at the kosha on your wedding night”
“Kholood, shut up, that would never happen, latfawleen”
“Ok seriously, what the hell am I gonna wear?”
“This calls for a meeting at Juju’s house”
“Ok, ta3alaw, I’m waiting for you guys”
“Ok, ana 5 minutes o I’ll be there” I said
“O e7na like 10 minutes o we’re coming”
“Bye”
“Bye”
“Bye”
“See ya!”

I drove to Jujus house and the sisters came about 5 minutes later

I walked into her closet and looked at all the choices I had, short cocktail dresses, long gowns, conservative 50’s inspired dresses, strapless dresses, maxi dresses, mini dresses all colour coded and hung on velvet hangers. I picked out a cute red cocktail dress with ruffles, but it was too short, I tried another dress, it “clashed with the colour of my eyes”, another one didn’t match my skin tone, I finally put on a classy Vera Wang LBD, as soon as I wore it Sarah ran to Jujus drawers and screamed she had he perfect thing to match it. We looked at her, puzzled, all of us smiling a little.

“PURPLE TIGHTS!!! PURPLE TIGHTS!!”
She screamed wafting them in the air, we all burst out laughing at the way she was so over excited! We all fell on the bed, me still in the dress, Kholood wearing Juju’s mums wedding dress and her converse trainers, Sarah in a long pink evening gown, her slim cigarette in hand and purple tights in the other and Juju in a short electric blue bubble dress, fluffy house slippers and a cup of coffee.

Kholood sat up from the bed looked at us and said
“I never thought I’d see the day that we’d all be in this room once again picking out a dress for another khi6ba of ours, but this day did come, and I’m here, and you guys are here, and Flana…” she said as her eyes teared up “… Flana is getting married, she’s all grown up now, she’s gonna live with a boy, she’s gonna make baby Flans… So here’s to a never ending friendship… A never ending bond, no matter what happens, no matter where life takes us, we’ll always have each other”
We hugged and then it was eventually time for me to leave. I kissed them all good bye and they promised to come over when I get ready.
I sat on my dressing table stool, looking at my makeup-less face in the mirror, in my solitude I began to wonder about what had been said about my Flan a couple of nights ago, what is this “rumour” or fact about him that I didn’t know…
“What do I not know about you Flan? What are you hiding from me?”
I spoke aloud to my reflection in the mirror, she certainly didn’t have my answer but the person who just opened my bedroom door does but there is no way in hell was I gonna open the subject or let her know I was eavesdropping on their conversation the other night.

“Sh7alatich bidoon make-up”
“Aww Mama, your the sweetest walla” I smiled
“6awlay balich 3ala hal Flan ya Flana…”
“A6awil bala 3ala sheno Mama?”
“Khalas, khalas 7abeebti, ma 3alaych min ily ga3d agoola, yalla get ready” she smiled
“Inshallah” I replied

As promised, the girls were at my house and in my room before the calling of the maghreb prayers.
Juju, back combed, sprayed, back combed, sprayed until my head hurt.

“They don’t call me the queen of buff for nothing!” she exclaimed

I decided to go for nothing to dramatic with the eyes, just a line of eye liner on my eyelid and ruby red lipstick. I turned around from the dressing table mirror, put my Giuseppe Zanotti black heels on and stood up from my stool, my girls looked at me and gasped.

“I’m sorry but if this doesn’t blow him away, I don’t know what will”

I sat on my bed, my stomach hurting, I started to worry. I was waiting to be called downstairs. The Maghreb prayer finished about 20 minutes ago and he isn’t here. Another half an hour passes and he hasn’t shown up yet, so I call him and he doesn’t answer, now I really felt sick to my stomach. My phone vibrates, it’s from him
7:35 pm: I’m getting cold feet
I throw my phone on the bed
“I guess I didn’t need to wear Khuloods dress to get jilted”

I said as I walked into the bathroom locking the door behind me.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up

Photograph: kellygrape on Flickr

I sit in bed, and stare at the wall, night turns into day and day turns into night and I don’t even know it. My shutters are closed and so is my heart. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, Flan and I really had something good going on. Why did this have to happen to me? Why me? I thought as I repeatedly drew hearts with my finger on my bed sheet.. Why me? I felt like I was going crazy, my mind was working over-time trying to figure out what went wrong. My phone vibrates underneath me and my heart skips a beat…

I look at the screen: JUJU CALLING I ignore the phone call and remain staring at the wall. Shortly after my door creaks open and the sunlight coming through from the window on the landing radiates through my room. I close my eyes in pain and cover my face with the duvet cover.

“Flana?”
“Flana??!”

I don’t answer

“Flana, ga3d tabcheen?”

“I wish I could stop…”

“7abeebti…” She says as she gets into bed with me “You know that it’s okay to cry…”

“I feel dehydrated, I feel like I’m going crazy Juju, I feel like I’m living in a dream, you know…”

I say as I pull my self up and my eyes start to fill up with tears

“… you know how many times I’ve pinched my self trying to wake up from this nightmare? Am I crazy? Tell me I’m crazy Jawhara… TELL ME I’M CRAZY”
I scream as I collapse into her arms holding on tight to the back of her shirt. The louder I sob the tighter I pull on her shirt, the tighter I pull on her shirt, the more I feel like I’m going crazy. All she does is cradle me, rubbing my back in hope to make me feel better. But it doesn’t work, nothing could make me feel better, nothing and no one, no one except the reason I’m in this agony…

“7abeebti I told Lita to make you some soup, she told me you haven’t eaten for days”

“Mabi akil”

“You have to, it’s not a question, it’s an order”

I let myself back down on the bed, my arms by my side. Lita walks in with a tray full of food, I groan as the smell of the cream of mushroom wafts in my room.

After about 15 minutes I give in to her nagging, as soon as Juju leaves I soak my self in sorrow and tears all over again. When someone is around I feel content but at the same time I didn’t want to drag anyone into this never ending hole of depression with me. At about 12:30 AM I get up from bed put a jersey on with long leggings, tie my hair up in a band, grab my keys and leave the house to search the streets for sanity.

Mohammed Abdu sings to me words of love, whimsical words that I could once relate to, words that now just fly past me. I drive around the empty streets way past the time a girl should be out in Kuwait I get to the end of the gulf road and decide to turn into the parking lot for the Shuwaikh public beach that’s when our song played on my iPod, I listened to the lyrics as the teardrops made their way down my cheeks.

El amaken kilaha mishtaga lik
Wil 3iyoon ili inrasam feeha khayalak
Wil 7aneen ili sara broo7i w jaak
Mahoo bes ana 7abeebi el amaken kilaha mishtaga lik
Kil shai 7ooly yithakirni bishai
7ata 9oti w tha7kiti lik feeha shai
Law tigheeb el denya, 3omrik ma tegheeb
Shoof 7ali aah min ta6ri 3alai
Mahoo bes ana 7abeebi, el amaken, el amaken, el amaken kilaha mishtaga lik
El amaken ily marayt inta feeha 3ayisha ib roo7i w abeeha

Bo Noura always had his way with words, he knew how to ever so delicately spin them into my thoughts. I put my head down on the steering wheel and stared into the night sky. I heard my phone vibrating on the wood, I picked it up without looking because I knew it was Juju, I held the phone to my ear and whispered hello. No answer, I look at the phone and see Flan’s name, I instantly spring up, clear my throat and say hello again.

“Aloo…” He croaks, in a sleepy, sad voice.
“Aloo?” I answer, not knowing what to say
“Shlonich Flana?”
“7emdella, I’m good, enta shlonik?” I lie
“Walla bkhayr”

The awkward silence began.

“Nayma Flana?”
“La, I’m awake”
“Aha… Flana entay you’re not at home?”
“Ummm… I just left to go get something from Sultan Centre o rada el bait”
“Aha… Interesting, you do realise it’s 1:15 AM right?”
“Ya… But it was sort of an emergency”

His voiced instantly changed from angry to worried

“Oh… What kind of an emergency?”
“The girl kind”
“Oh” he giggled
“Yup” I giggled back
“Is anyone at home awake?”
“Walla, I don’t think so… Why?”
“I wanted to come sit with you…”
“Well I’m not gonna sit with you in the car this late at night, mala da3y, that’s just asking for trouble”
“Ok then come over, we can sit in the garden”
“Ok” I agreed
“I’ll be about 5 minutes”
“Ok, ana na6rich bara”
“Ok”

I look like shit! I take the band out of my hair, fold the sleeves of my giant sized football jersey, put some lip gloss on and proceed to drive to his house.
Like he said, he was waiting outside, I drive in and park beside his car, he signals for me to switch my car off. So I do as I’m told. I step out the car and look at him, the first thing he says is

“Shfeech mkhar3a el bard?”
I look at him puzzled, he points down at my Uggs.
“Oh” I giggle “Ya, it was pretty cold at home”

For about 5 minutes all we did was stare at each other, I could tell from his eyes that he was hurt, I could tell that we couldn’t live without each other from the way he looked at me. 10 minutes passed and we haven’t even said one word, he continues to hold onto my hand and look deep into my eyes. I wanted to hug him and shower him with kisses more than anything else in this world, but I continued to stare into his eyes.

“Flana…”
“Don’t talk” I said as I brought my hand up to his lips.

“I don’t know if this is the last time I’m gonna look into your eyes, I don’t know if you’re gonna leave me again, the last time I sat with you I thought I was gonna see you the next day, but you left me Flan, you left me, but for what? For who? Flan I went crazy… Do you know that this is the first time in a week that I have not only left my house, but left my room, do you know how much effort it takes me to get up and go to the bathroom, do you know how much I’ve cried in the past week Flan? I understand you’re angry, I understand you lost your mother, I understand, I swear I do. But I need you to understand this 7abeebi, that I wanna be here for you, I really do.. You just need to give me a chance”
“I understand” He said with sorrow filled eyes
“Now tell me what you wanted to say”
“I wanted to tell you I’ve missed you and I really don’t think I can live without you, that’s why I’m calling your father as soon as I get the chance…”

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: tozzo on Flickr

We finally got to a park in Kaifan we parked the car and he took me inside to the swings, sat me down and looked at me with the warmest eyes and said…

“The first time I came here the woman I love the most brought me, and this time you’re the woman who brought me here. Flana this is my favourite place in Kuwait, this is the place I come to when I need to be at peace”

I look at him waiting for an explanation, I think to my self why is he telling me about his ex girl friend when his mom just died?

“Flana this used to be the place I come to with my mother, I’ve found serenity here, this is the place I come to when I need to be alone. No one knows I come here except my mother. Now you know Flana, and if anything EVER happens to me, you know where to come when you wanna be close to me”

“Don’t say that 7abeebi, latgool chithee”

“Flana ma7ad i3arif sheno bi9eer, no one is promised tomorrow”

“But I’m gonna love you forever, I can’t live without you, I would die without you here”
I said holding on to the sleeve of his dishdasha

“Entay latgoolen chithee…”

“Flan… I love you”

“I love you more 7abeebti, walla I do, I need to tell you something”

______________________________________________________

We sat on the swings in silence, the sun set in the distance radiating on our faces. As soon as the top of the sun disappeared behind the horizon the mu2athen preached to the people to come perform their prayers.

I wanted to hold on tight and not let go, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to do alot of things but I just walked away. I walked away as if nothing had happened, I walked away as if he hadn’t just told me the worst news in my life.

______________________________________________________

I ran into the house tears streaming down my face, my hair all over the place and ran into my bathroom locking it behind me. Still crying I lit a scented candle, placed it beside the door and lit a cigarette.

I took a shower and while I washed my hair I thought of the different ways I should tell them the story. Should I say the truth? Should I lie? Should I maybe just twist the story around a bit? Do I just tell them everything from A-Z? How will they react? Should I just tell my Dad and leave my Mum out of this?

I put my head down and watched the drops of water bounce off my hair and trickle down my skin. Everything in front of me changed, life looked different, the colours were different, I felt like the walls of my bathroom were caving in on me. Things will never be the same again I thought, my mind was working overtime trying to figure everything out. I sat in the corner of my shower stand, pulled my knees up to my chin and cried until I didn’t know what was water and what were tears.

I have never disappointed my parents, all my life I made them happy, why am I doing this now? Why did I have to fall in love with Flan and create all this drama? Travelling half way round the world… Lying to my parents…

I felt like a piece of me was missing, Flan was what completed me, he made me whole… Now what, I thought… Now what?

I put my PJ trousers on and Flan’s white t shirt from London, the loose t shirt falling off my shoulders. It still smelt like him.

I confidently walked downstairs and sat with my parents to watch TV I almost fell asleep on the couch until their conversation woke me up. They thought I fell asleep but they were wrong and I heard them talking.

“Flana madri shfeeha mu 3ala ba3ath’ha min saferat 7ag hal business trip”

“Tadreen ya Badria, Flana mu 3ala ba3ath’ha 9arlaha akthar min 4 ash’har, tawich it7iseen? It’s so obvious that girl is in love, it’s undeniable”

“La… Latgool chithee Rakan.. Bintee ma3indaha hal suwalif”

“7abeebti.. Flana is 26, if she’s gonna talk to a guy it won’t be to play around. I know my daughter well”

In between my state of awake and asleep I thought it was a good time to tell them. God only knows what people are gonna say if my parents don’t know about this, I can only imagine. I sleepily got up from the couch and told my parents that the girls are coming over. In their eyes I was still their innocent 10 year old that was in 5th grade.

I text messaged my girls:

8:00pm Come over xxx

Khulood(8:05pm): I can’t, plans! We’ll talk about it later. Sorry xooo
Sarah(8:05pm): I’ll be there! You okay? xx
Juju (8:10pm): I’m outside

I went to the kitchen and prepared something for us to eat.

We sat outside and exchanged opinions, I got my dose of hugs and offers for a shoulder to cry on and the You’ll be okay-s. They both agreed that I should tell my parents. I trusted my girls with my life.

I showed the girls back to their cars, Juju squeezed my hand and said

“You know if you need me I’m only 1 block away?”

“Adri”

“So if you want come sleep over later or I can come”

“Ok, I’ll call you”

She gave my hand one last squeeze and drove away.

I walked in and my mum looked at me and worriedly said

“We need to talk to you Flana”

“That’s weird ‘cos I need to talk to you guys too”

I sat down, handed them both a cup of tea and began the story from day one…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: momography on Flickr

After all the chaos dealing with getting back to Kuwait here I am sitting in my track pants, my 3abaya hanging on the outside of my closet door. The smell of bukhoor wafting through the air, my dry eyes now yearning for a single tear drop. I sit on my dressing table stool and watch my expressionless face in the mirror, my eyes, my colourless skin, my bland lips, my hair still in a bun. I look at myself closely, observing my features and think.
Am I up for this?

“What are you doing Flana?”
I say to the mirror, she obviously only mimics me but doesn’t answer my question.
“What the HELL are you doing?”
I say, louder this time in hope she will answer me. But she doesn’t. She has the same face, same voice, same eyes. She crys when I cry, she laughs when I laugh. But she doesn’t have the answer to my question.

“You’re useless!”
I say out loud as I stand up and swing my hand at the bottles of perfume on my dressing table.
I hear them smash one after the other on the wooden floor. I make my way to my bed curling up in a ball under my blanket.

My phone vibrates: JUJU CALLING

“Hello”
“Ha 7ubi? Jahza?”
“No”
“Ok then get dressed, I’m outside mama”
“Mabi”
“Stop being a baby, emjableta akher el denya, o al7een wakt el 3aza mara7 etroo7een? Bala dala3 nizlay ta7at”
“JAWHARA! You’re not the boss of me, leave me alone FAHAMTAY?”
“If I didn’t consider you my sister I wouldn’t do this!”
“DO WHAT?!”

She closed the phone in my face. I bury my face into the pillow and let out a painful, heart breaking cry. I felt so much pain, pain I couldn’t describe to anyone not even Juju, my soul sister.

My door swings open and she walks in only to find me in a pool of tears. All I feel is her get into bed and laying down infront of me cradling my head in her arms.

“7abeebti, Flana, if it wasn’t necessary that you go I wouldn’t have forced you, but there are things you will face in life, maybe things not greater than death but things that will make you feel like you’re gonna die, things that will make you wanna give up. But you can’t give up, because entay Flana, you’re my inspiration, fahamteeny? I look up to you, you might only be a couple of days older but ib 3yooni intay wayid akbar, and if YOU Flana if YOU give up then I will give up too. So you’re gonna have to do this, if not for you then do it for Flan”

“They don’t even know who I am” I wailed

“They’ll know who you are in time 7ayati, now please, get up, libsay 3abaytich o khan namshy”

“Ok” I obeyed

I washed my face, pinned my hair up again and wore my 3abaya.

___________

I sat in the back of the packed qa3a with my girls. I watched the people go past, the faces, so many faces, so many names, names that I will one day have to remember. Rows and rows of black, the only color was the different bangles and strings that adorned the young girls wrists. I look down at my own pale hands, stripped of my signature red nail polish and bracelets. The only thing on my wrist was the LOVE bangle Flan bought me which I couldn’t take off because the screw to unscrew it was hanging on a short length of silk string on his car keys.

__________

Something snaps me out of my day dream, a tall man in white coming into the corner of the room followed by dozens of men, I watch the back of their heads zoom past me and I try to figure out which one is mine. This is the part of funerals that I dread, when the men walk in, hearing her loved ones cry tore me up piece by piece. Seeing Flan hug his Moms sister was heart breaking. What hurt them the most was that it happened so fast, everyone was due to be in London within that week but none of them made it in time to see her alive.

_________

They leave and my phone vibrates: 1 NEW MESSAGE
I open it, it’s from him

Come to my car, abi a7acheech

Juju looks at me and gives me the look as if she’s giving me permission to go. I walk outside and I can see him sitting in the passenger seat of his car I open the door to the drivers seat and sit inside.

“No matter how bad I’m feeling, seeing your face makes me feel just a little bit better, that’s how I know you’re the one for me. Knowing that your mom formed a bond with me, a bond so strong in less than 24 hours, that’s another reason why I know you’re the one for me. I love you so much and I need you to know that I will be here for you, I will make sure you stay strong, I will make sure your head is on your pillow every night, I will make sure to feed you when you’re hungry, if you can’t breathe I will help you and most importantly when you need me, I will be there, even if it means flying half way across the world just to hug you”

He looks at me and forces a smile and answers me back with 4 simple words that mean the world to me.

“I love you more”

I smile back

“I need you to take me somewhere” he says

So I push my foot down on the break pad and start the engine of the car. I drive out of Shuwaikh and follow his directions, not knowing where we’re going…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: wakalani on Flickr

I will be away from my blog for a while because I shall be leaving to La Ville-lumière (The City of Light) or more famously The City of Love, to enjoy the beautiful weather, beautiful people, fresh tarte fraise with whipped cream to go along with a warm cup of cafe au lait and my cigarillo. Maybe stroll down The Avenue des Champs Élysées to Laduree to get my fix of framboise (rasberry) flavoured macaroons. That melt in your mouth when you take a bite into them, crispy on the outside, soft and heavenly on the inside.

After I’ve devoured all the french delicacies that I’ve missed I will pop my head phones in and indulge in some old school Fayrouz and walk down Bousquet Avenue, take my Loubs off and sit on the grass beside The Eiffel Tower and maybe write part 11.

Till next time
Love Flana
xoxo

Picture: I got the gorgeous photograph above from Nicolas Valentin’s collection on Flickr

Kindly remember that my writing is fictional, all disclosed details are from my ingenious imagination.

I mentioned this before in a previous post of mine and in my about page.

To my faithful and priceless readers, I thank you for supporting and defending me in previous posts. I hope to continue to meet your expectations in the upcoming chapters of unravelling Flana’s life.

Till next time
Love Flana
xoxo

I looked at Flan and he looked at me, his eyes lit up and he locked his arms around me and literally swept me off my feet. I was a little taken back at his reaction but nevertheless enjoyed the moment while it lasted. He put me down and looked me in the eye and whispered.

“Don’t run away this time”

With finishing his sentance he came so close to my face that I could feel his breath on my lips and kissed me, it was gentle but meaningful, soft but aggressive, short but sweet. I put my arms around him and hugged him for what felt like forever. The breeze was cold, the warm sun was setting behind the buildings in the distance. This felt so right but I knew it was wrong. I felt a gust of wind so we decided to go inside and eat our dinner.

We talked and talked, we talked more than we ate. After we were done we realised it was getting too late for me to leave so Flan changed the sheets for me in his room and he went to sleep in his moms room. Before he left he planted a kiss on my forehead and proceeded to leave. I called out to him.

“Flan…”
“3yoon Flan…”
“I love you”
“I love you more”

I curled up in the bed and my mind began to drift, far away. I fell asleep but the sounds of the city woke me up, the sirens blaring in the distance, the cars honking, the three drunken fools singing Judy Garland’s ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’ so out of tune that it hurt my ears. In my state of mind between awake and asleep I began to wonder was I Dorothy? Was Aunty Em waiting for me back in Kansas, Flan was my Toto, always rescuing me. Only difference is I wasn’t wearing my ruby red slippers, they were buried under my mounds of clothes in my suitcase because I wanted to stay here in Oz, I didn’t belong in Kuwait Kansas. Between dreaming of Oz and muttering my prayers under my breath I fell asleep again.

Flan came and knocked on the door at 8 am. I got up, put my dressing gown on and opened the door. He was standing with a plain white tshirt on and navy pyjama trousers.

“9aba7 el khayr 7abeebti”
“9aba7 el noor”
“Yalla goomay, 9a79e7ay so we can go grab some breakfast gabel la enroo7 el mostashfa”
“Enshallah”

I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I walked back to my room, opened the suitcase that held all my make shift outfits. God! This couldn’t be more difficult, I literally threw the clothes into the suitcase when I was packing. I finally settled for my white Marni t-shirt dress. Being the shoe whore that I am, I decided to leave the prive pumps at home and put on my baby blue ballet slippers. I ran my fingers through my hair and pinned it up in a messy bun, twisting the sides up in a greek way. I kept my look simple, with just a pair of stud earrings and a bit of colourless lip gloss.

We walked out of our home together down the street to Starbucks, ate our croissants and downed our coffees. Hailed a cab to the hospital.

Sitting in the back of the black cab we made conversation with the driver. He asked how Flan and I met.

“In an elevator” he said moving his hand close to me and linking it in mine.
I smiled.

We got to the hospital and went up to this moms room, there was a lot of commotion around her room, the nurses were zooming in and out. I looked at Flan and he looked at me with a worried look on his face. We walked towards the end of the corridor where her room was.
The head nurse stood at the door way not allowing us to go in.

“She’s my mother. Move out of the way”
“I’m sorry sir I’m afraid I can’t let you in”

“Flana 6al3eeha min jidam wayhi… NOW”

“Look, please just move out of the way, you can’t do this to him”
“Maam.. I’m afraid I can’t…”

Flan didn’t let her finish talking he pushed the door open. I walked in after him only to find Khalty in a state of unconsciousness.
He didn’t have any expressions on his face, neither did I.

“Are you her son?” Asked the doctor
“Yes”
“I’m afraid her situation is deteriorating Mr Flan, her organs are failing one by one. At this stage there is nothing we can do. She is currently unconscious, you can stay in the room and talk to her if you wish, she will not be able to respond”

Everyone left the room, I was about to leave but I held onto his hand, squeezing, as if to say I’m here for you and then walked outside.

I waited outside, silent tears streaming down my face. I look at my watch, 10 minutes have passed, 15… 20 minutes later Flan walks out, no tears, no expression, nothing, I’ve never seen his face so lifeless. As soon as our eyes met he fell in my arms, and started to cry. I hold on to him, my petite frame struggling to balance a fully grown man that has lost all control of his senses.

I couldn’t see him like this… God only knows how much this killed me on the inside, but I remained strong for Flan.

I think it’s time I held onto Toto, put my ruby red slippers on, click my heels three times and head back to Kansas… I wanted this dream to be over

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Emily Kay Photography on Flickr

As I stood against the cold wall that froze my scolding body. The corridor was freezing but I was hot, hot with anticipation. Not knowing what’s gonna happen next. Things were moving way too fast for me. I contemplated just leaving, right now, walking out of this hospital. But I swallowed my heart that out of fear had risen up to my throat. His head peeped out from behind the door
“Flana… Come inside, meet my mother”I straightened out the t-shirt I had on, ran my fingers through my hair, put on my biggest smile and walked in with Flan. I was too shy to move forward, he put the palm of his hand in the curve of my back and pushed me a little. I walked ahead.
“Mama this is Flana Al Flani, Flana this is my mum”
I stuck my hand out infront of me to shake hers, she held onto my hand, smiled and pulled me towards her.
“Ma3endina rasmiyat! Ta3alay 7ibay omich!”
I looked at Flan, giggled and obeyed her demand, I leant forward and kissed her on both her cheeks. She moved the blanket from beside her and gestured for me to sit. I looked at Flan and he nodded. So I did. I sat beside my unborn childs grandmother. We spoke for about 2 hours non stop, we laughed. She told me stories of her childhood. I later found out that her childhood house was my neighbours house.
When Flan fell asleep on the couch she told me his stories. She told me all about his struggles with his dad leaving at such a young age. She told me how he vowed never to get married because he never wants to make the mistakes his dad made.
She really brought a tear to my eye. Just thinking of how much that poor 10 year old kid went through hurt me so much.

She held onto my hand, smiled and said the words I will never forget.

“Flana, wildy swore when his father left me that he would never fall in love, and that he would never get married. Now that he’s met you, all of that has changed. Flana ana 3omri ma shift wildy mistanis chithee. Flana, he sat with me yesterday and asked me what I want him to name his children.”

I smiled as a silent tear drop rolled down my cheek and splashed on my hand

“Flana, any woman who can make my Flan smile the way you do is fine by me, but take care of my son ya bnayti”

That one tear drop transformed into many. I got up from my spot on the bed and hugged her. I felt like I’ve known her forever. I could hear her sniffling. Flan woke up from all the commotion.
“Aaa, my two favorite ladies in one room” He smiled

We both giggled…

“Flan e6la3 shwaya ba7achee Flana ib mawthoo3 shway kha9…”
“7ather mama” He obliged making his way out of the room
She gave me her back and opened the drawer beside her bed and took out a make up bag, rummaged through it and took out a heart shaped engagement ring set in platinum and round white diamonds. I was stunned at first… Is she proposing to me?!
“I have no use for these material things anymore, I want you to take it…”
“But.. Didn’t Bu Flan give this to you?
“That was in the past Flana, it was passed on to me from Bu Flans mother, I never got any daughters and they didn’t want to give it to Flans half sister. It’s yours now, this is a family heirloom Flana, I want you to take care of it and pass it on to my granddaughter one day”
I started crying again.
“Laysh tabcheen bnayti?”
“Because.. I wish I knew you a long time ago, I wish I knew Flan a long time ago”
“I will spend as much time as I can with you 7abeebti…”
The waterworks started again. She took a tissue from beside her bed and dabbed at my face.

“Roo7ay erta7ay, you’ve had a long flight and come back in the morning”
“Okay 7abeebti”

I kissed her good bye, Flan was waiting outside, I put the ring in the pocket of my jeans and told him to go say bye to his mum. We left the hospital, picked up my lugagge on the way out and hailed a cab.

“Edgware Road W1 please”

We got into the taxi, he looked out of his window and I looked out of mine. I sat there in the back of the black cab thinking what the hell am I doing? Why the hell am I in London? I just got given the love of my life’s family heirloom… Am I being too pushy? Am I pushing myself into his family? Should I go back to Kuwait? God, this isn’t right… Should I leave? I’m gonna leave… Yes that’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna book my ticket and leave… No, no, no I can’t do that… What about Flan? Does he really need me or am I delusional?
Before I knew it we reached the apartment.

” I thought we were going to the hotel”
“Change of plans, I’m gonna cook you dinner then you can leave”
“Ok” I smiled with agreement

He left the bag downstairs with the porter and we stepped into the elevator that zoomed us up to the 10th floor I looked at him and said

“You know that I fell for you in an elevator?”
“I know” He said, smiling with confidence

I flashed him a cheeky smile and stepped out infront of him. He unlocked the apartment door. I walked in, him behind me opening all the lights. His apartment was beautiful, sleek long planks of dark cherry wood, white contemporary modern furniture.

“Here’s the living room, and there’s the kitchen, I only have one rule, no smoking inside, so you can go out of the back entrance to the apartment which is in the kitchen, ako hnaak on the stairs an ashtray”
“Okay.. thanks” I took out my little bag with my cigarettes and lighter and walked out. The stairs were black and you could see all the back doors of the apartments on Edgware road. I felt like I was living in a fantasy, I was in Flans apartmentand he’s cooking me dinner, I have his mothers wedding band in the pocket of my jeans. If only Flan and I were married I thought to myself. I put the ring on the ring finger of my left hand and thought how perfect it looked withthe perfect husband that came along with it, and I smiled to myself. I was scared a little thinking there’s no turning back now… This is it… Flan rayli…

Flan came behind me and gave me a fright, he put his arms around me from the back, I was a little shocked at first but found it comforting because he didn’t do it in a sexual way. I turned around

“Sheno ga3d 6e6bakhly?”
“I’m boiling the pasta, 3indi lich ikhtira3 ma 9ar!”
“Ana ba3ad 3indi lik shay ma 9ar”
“Sheno uhwa?”
I looked at him and smiled taking my hand out of my pocket and flashed him the ring.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: octavioanacleto on Flickr

As I sat there in silence looking at Flan, taking what he just told me in… I had no words to speak, I knew nothing would make my Flan feel better.

His mom had been diagnosed with cancer a few months back and he got a call this morning telling him to come spend time with her because she didn’t have that much time left.

“Promise me Flana, promise me you’ll be here for me” He said bursting into tears
I took his head and cradled it in my hands, holding him close to me. The sound of him crying, his tears streaming and seeping into my shirt, it brought me to tears.
“I promise 7ayati… I promise I’ll always be here for you”

We sat there for about 20 minutes locked in a silent embrace.
I was crouched down on the floor in my heels, holding his face in my hands. Our foreheads were touching.
He was sitting at his chair with his head down, arms by his side in a lifeless way. I felt so helpless to the situation.

I got up from the floor
“7abeebi, goom, let me fix you up…” I said as I held onto his hand bringing him to stand up
I pulled a tissue from the box and dabbed at his face, I picked up the ghetra from the table and before putting it on his head looked at his lifeless eyes.
“Look at me”
He looked up and looked me in the eye
“You’re gonna have to be strong 7abeebi, if you can’t be strong then act strong, I’ll be your rock that keeps you standing upright, I’ll be your pillow at night that you can cry on, I’ll be everything you need to pull you through this, just promise me we’ll pull through…”
“I promise …” He whispered
I held his face, cradling it like a baby. I gave him the longest hug ever. It wasn’t in anyway sexual, it was filled with love, a mothers love.

I realised how in love I was with Flan.
I’m not saying I’m heartless, but with all my ex boyfriends I never felt anything if something happened to a family member but with Flan it was different…
I felt like his mom was my mom
I felt like his pain was my pain.

I put his ghetra on his head and handed him his 3gal. I watched him as he fixed it into place.

“Flana, entay btiyeen ma3ay, my mother has to meet the mother of her grandchildren…”
“Bes 7abeebi shbetgool 3ani, our families don’t know about each other…”
“Trust me Flana, omy ghayr…”
“I trust you 7abeebi… “
“I’m leaving tonight, the mandoobwill drop your ticket off at your house tomorrow night, I will book your ticket for three days after I arrive in London, that will give me enough time to spend with her before you get there…”
“Ok 7abeebi… I’m really excited and scared baby”
“Don’t be scared 7abeebti” he said and he planted a kiss on my forehead “I’m gonna leave now, o ashoofich ihnak, I booked you in a hotelbeside the hospital, kil shay biyeeblich iya el mandoob tonight ok mama?”
“Okay 7abeebi, it’s gonna be weird without you”
“I’m gonna see you soon 7abeebti”
“Okay…”

We said our last goodbyes, kissed our last kiss, he put his sun glasses on to hide his sorrow, tear filled eyes and he left. I walked out behind him walked to my cubicle he turned around said bye and walked ahead.

The next few hours were weird, he didn’t call, he didn’t text message.

I fell asleep with my phone in my hand and the vibration woke me up at around 2 AM. It was a message from him

1:52 Deeray balich 3ala nafsich Flana, o latsaween shay iza3ilny, I trust you, entai om 3yali. I will see you in three days

No kiss, no I love you… nothing?

1:53 Have a safe flight o text message me awal ma to9al… A7ibik :*

1:59 Ana ba3ad :*

I smiled, closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

The next morning was weird without him, I didn’t wanna keep bothering him with text messages or calls so I let him be.

9:00 Wath3ha wayid sayi2 Flana, I can’t see her like this… I need you

Without any hesitations I shut my computer down, picked up my bag and left the office. I drove home, picked up my passport, put some clothes in a suitcase. Then made my way to my mothers room. I kissed her head and said

“Mama I’m leaving to London, I just found out ina 3indina a meeting with our holding company. I will be back in less than a week”

I got all the sh7aga? Laysh chithee bser3a? I was so scared she would catch me out but thankfully she didn’t… I phoned my dad explained to him what was going on he understood me as usual.
I called up Juju asked her to come pick up my car from the airport, she got there before me. I ran in to the gate just in time to make it to the flight at 12:30. I booked my ticket at the gate, thankfully there was only about 2 odd seats left on the plane. I had a fear of flying alone so this was a gigantic step for me.

I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was woken up by the stewardess asking me to put my seat upright because we were landing.

I walked out, hailed a cab and got in.

“Cromwell hospital in South Kensington please”

London still smelt the same way it did last year, the smell of home cooked meals, fumes from buses, the leather from the seats in the cab.

I payed the cab driver and got out.

As soon as I got out my eyes landed on him. There he was, my baby, he was sitting on a step, head down, smoking a cigarette… I walked over, lugging my bag behind me, dropped it infront of me and stood there waiting for him to look up…

“You said you needed me…”

He looked up at me, our eyes met. He stood up and hugged me

“I can’t believe you came baby… I do need you…”
I smiled
“Yalla, you wanna go meet your mother in law”

I blushed
“Of course I do”

We took my bag and left it downstairs at the reception and then walked to her room.

“7abeebti ne6ray bara, I will talk to her then I’ll come get you… Okay?”
“Yes 7abeebi, akeedit’s okay…”

So I waited silently outside the room trying to listen to their conversation, all I heard was a few random words here and there…

“Flana Al Flani”
“Ma3ay bel dawam”
“Abee atzawajha mama”

I smiled to myself like a lunatic and stood there waiting to be called in…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: moschos on Flickr

I walked into work late, Sunday morning. We were both up all night indulging in flirtatious text messages till the early hours of the morning. He wasn’t there so I worked on ‘our’ project alone.

Minute after minute… Hour after hour… Being at the office had no meaning if he wasn’t there, the clock was ticking so slowly. I got up, walked around, chatted with some co-workers, had some tea at Um-Khalids office .

[Um-Khalid was Kholoud and Sarahs Mum, she was the one who got me this job. She was the coolest mum in the world, I usually went to her when I had any problems. When you sit with her you can tell where Kholoud gets her head strong personality from. She was a single mum that took care of 5 children, she didn't work because she needed the money. She worked because she believed that a womans place was not in the kitchen or home.]

“Khalty why isn’t he here yet? It’s noon, do you think I said something wrong last night?”
“7abeebti, awal shay even if you did say something wrong it wouldn’t matter because intay shaikhat el banat”
“You’re making me blush” I said, giggling a little
“Chubay! O thany shay even if you did say something wrong he wouldn’t not come to work because of you, hatha rayal ya Flana, he’s not a kid, alot of the work here depends on his decisions”
“Ya you’re right, I’m giving myself too much importance”
“Mu too much importance Flana, you’re over analyzing, I’m sure you’re important to him”
“Madri Khalty… Whatever… Que sera sera, ily Allah katba bi9eer” I smiled
“You’re right, la tensayn Flana! Never let a man control you, the ball should always be in your field”
“Don’t worry about me” I giggled

Flan walked past, he was on the phone, his face looked angry, very very angry, Um Khalids door was open, he usually says hello because they’re close like that, he never disrespects anyone older than him. She looked at me with a worried face.

“Min 7agi adish w as2ela what’s wrong with him?”
“Walla madri 7abeebti, he looks really angry, just sit this one out… Let him be”
“You’re saying this because he’s angry at me right?”
“No 7abeebti, but it seems that something is working him up bes madri sheno… Let it be, see what happens min el7een until 3 o clock”

I ignored her advice and made my way to his office. I was just about to push the door open but before I could this new Kuwaiti intern khashemha is higher than her ‘buff’ stepped infront of me.

“Asfa, bes Mr Flan requested of me to not let anyone bother him”
“Well I’m not anyone” I said, standing my ground “So move out of the way”
“I’m really sorry but I have to follow Mr Flans request”

Um Khalid came over after hearing the fussing and arguing, she walked up to the intern looked her straight in the eye and said

“Shoofay 7abeebti, I’ve been working in this company way before you were even born, so if I didn’t know what I was talking about then I wouldn’t waste my time getting this message through your 6 story hair and eventually to your head. A7senlich etwakhreen or I’m gonna have to use force. Which I would rather not because my nails are freshly manicured”

She instantly moved out of the way.

They both left and I walked in only to find Flan sitting at his desk in tears. I’ve never seen a man cry before I felt like something sharp came straight through my chest. His Ghetra and 3gal were on the table. He looked at me and put his face down, hiding himself from me. I walked over and silently without a word knelt on the floor beside him. I looked up at the man I love, seeing him cry tore me up inside. I took his hands from his face and held them in mine and looked up at him.

And whispered very very quietly

“I don’t want you to tell me what’s wrong, all I know is inta 7abeebi and I can’t see you like this Flan, because it’s killing me… Fahamt?” I said taking his hands up and kissing them gently
He nodded, tears still streaming down his face. “Whatever it is 7abeebi I’m here for you…”

He looked at me with the saddest eyes and whispered
“It’s nothing you can fix … Flana”
“I can always make you feel better baby”
“Flana, I’m leaving to London tomorrow”

I looked at him, not sure wether I should ask him why.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Al-Fassam on Flickr

Friday Night
Slider Station
8:30
My favorite pumps
My favorite girlsWe walked in at 8:30 on the dot. My girls and I were always punctual when it came to timings. We sat on the table on the right hand side, ordered our sliders, sodas and side orders. Sat and waited for our order to come… Friday night was our night. We didn’t go out with anyone else. It was our night to spill the beans on the escapades of our week. We spoke, spoke and spoke. Our food arrived and just as I took a bite out of my slider Flan walked in, ever so casually. He was wearing a pair of jeans, trainers and a polo t-shirt. He walked in, he didn’t look left or right, he was escorted upstairs to the table above ours. I was instantly flustered, lost for words, everything was going wrong. Seeing him made my knees weak. The girls noticed since I wasn’t answering their questions.

My phone vibrated. I opened the message it was from him

9:01: Look up ;)
9:02: What are you talking about? :S
9:02 Look up!
I looked up and caught his eye, he flashed me one of his cheesy smiles and I turned away…

9:03 That’s weird I didn’t see you walking in…
“Flana shfeech? Min wi9al akelna wentay thay3a…”
“La walla nothing, I’m just tired” I flashed a fake smile
“Oh my god… Itgi9een 3ala mino? Spill, khal9eena!”
“Nothing, it’s just that Flan is here” I whispered
“Where?”
“Upstairs… Please for the love of god don’t look…” I pleaded

9:04 What are you thinking of right now?
9:04 A lot of things…
9:05 Like what?
9:07 Flana riday 3alay… Tell me what you’re thinking of…
9:07 Care to elaborate?
9:08 Latfeshelny…
9:09 Tisti7een mini?
9:12 There’s nothing to be embarrassed of :*

“Are you girls ready to leave?”
“Leave?? Flana tawna wa9leen, plus you need to mess Flan around a bit with a few text messages, then we can leave…”
“7abeebti, he’s not someone to mess around with… We’re not 19 you guys… I’m not gonna call him then hang up.. Wayn ga3deen?”
“Not mess around with in that sense yal khebla… I meant flirt with him a bit… Make him want you… See how that works out for you, walla they’re men 9adgeeny they like this type of thing”
“This is coming from the person with the most failed relationships in her life time” We all laughed
“Eeee, thi7kaw el7een… I’m the only when who knows how to satisfy my man” She boasted… “You’ll be the last ones laughing”

[Jawhara was my sister from another Mr, we fit together like 2 peas in a pod, we shat in our diapers together, we learned to speak together, I have a bond with her that I have with no one else, our parents have been best friends since forever, and so were we, I favored her over everyone else in our 'click' ]

We all giggled, she got so worked up which made us laugh more…

9:17 A7ib tha7kitich, I love seeing you happy

9:18 :)

9:19 Enshallah doom mibtasma…

“Lover boy shga3d igool?”

“Oshh don’t make it obvious you guys… Nothing, he’s just being cute..”

“Cute?! Haw shfee? Ma nabi cuteee! We want action girl!”

“Man… Shut up! He isn’t like that!”

“7abeebti kilihom like that… They’re men!”

[Kholood - Jawhara and I met Kholood in grade 1 in school, she had that bad girl thing going on, boys were scared of here, she was so fierce even at such a young age.. We liked her so she came into our group to ward off scary people. She was the feminist of the group, she was convinced all men were the same. I don't blame her. There was this guy she dated for 5 years then she was engaged to him for a little over 6 months, he ended up not showing to her wedding. It sucked, but luckily for her she had us to lean on. Her sister Sarah joined our group the year that idiot left Kholood]

[Sarah, Sarah was the baby of the group, she was only 11 months younger than all of us but we really took her in our group with open arms, she loves me the best... I know that because when she gets herself in trouble she calls me, especially if it's about a boy. I was the agony aunt of the group]

My phone vibrated, snapping me out of my daze. I tend to go into day dreams alot

9:30 I miss you
9:31 How can you miss me? Kany ga3da jidamik…
9:31 Bes chithee I do… Agdar asalim when I come down stairs? Wela 3ayb?
9:32 Akeed you can 3adi…
9:32 Flana when can we go out together? Just me and you… I wanna sit beside you in a restaurant, I wanna hold your hand. I want everyone to know your mine

Shit I was blushing…

9:33 Tisti7een?
9:34 Me 2.. Enshallah soon :)

Flan came downstairs, he turned heads, I could see the girls talking about him, but I swallowed my pride put on my fake smile because he was coming over to my table to say hi to me… To meet my friends… He came over to my side of the table I got up to say hello I was surprised because infront of all his friends he pulled me close and kissed me on both cheeks. His skin felt soft on mine, his beard was clean shaved, but he had the sexiest goatee in the world.

“Flan this is Jawhara, Kholood and Sarah… Girls this is Flan Al Flani”
“Nice to meet you girls… I hope you enjoyed your meal”
“We did thank you” Said Jawhara piping up before Kholood would say anything stupid
“Bel3afya”
“Allah y3afeek” She replied
“Bye! It was nice meeting you girls” He turned to leave and before he did came really close to my ear and whispered “La tet2akherayn”

I could smell his after shave, his breath, the smell of his skin…

Snap out Flana! I thought to myself

“I won’t” I said with a smile.

We left shortly, we were waiting for the valet to bring our cars. Juju left first then Kholood & Sarahs car came and I was left alone standing… There was a black BMW with black windows, the window rolled down and Flan was sitting inside…

“Awa9lich il bait?”
“Oh hatha inta?”
“Yup… Awa9lich?”
“La it’s okay, my car is coming now… Wayn sayartik?”
“Some idiot crashed into it, so it’s in the wekala…”
“Oh… sorry to hear that…” Shit shit shit “Ka sayarti w9alat”
“Ok ana bal7igich layn to9leen el bait… Met2akher el wakt…”
“Lat2athy roo7ik… It’s ok” I smiled
“Shda3wa? Cham Flana 3indina?”
I giggled “Thanks… See you Sunday”
“Ok… Bye”

I drove home on the Gulf road. I was listening to Is it love by iiO, the lyrics were so relevant to my situation.

I sent my girls a text message

10:14 Love you girls xoxo

My phone vibrated three times in a row

10:16 Ana akthar xooo
10:17 Love you too xo
10:17 Love you more xo

I got home, his car still following me. As soon as I turned into my driveway he left

10:25 Now I know entay bel bait o your safe erta7t… Good night beautiful :*
10:26 Good night :*

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Equalizer on Flickr

The next couple of days were awkward, filled with stolen moments together after meetings, longing glances through the glass dividers.

This morning I was training an intern, she was sitting on the computer and I was showing her what to do. He was sitting with my co-worker, we were across the room from each other. I’d be showing the girl what to do but would be staring at him, he’d look up and as soon as he does I catch his eye then quickly turn away. Most of the time I’d look up and he’d be staring. It was a weird feeling, crazy but nice.

Today I had on one of the nicest outfits on, it wasn’t as dressed up as my daily outfits but I felt comfortable, I had on my brown Vivienne westwood dress with an old pair of my mums gladiator sandals that she’d bought from Greece.

I walked towards the meeting room, I looked through the frosted glass, I could see 4 figures moving around inside, one was definetly a woman, she was tall slim with long hair.
I walked in, my eyes skimmed the room and landed on her. It was ‘the’ girl. I eyed her up and down, her long thick hair, perfect stomach, she had beautiful skin with scattered freckles, light greenish hazel mesmerising eyes, she couldn’t have been full Kuwaiti. She had British features but spoke fluent Kuwaiti. She was wearing a fitted cotton dress in black that came to her knees and very prive louboutin pumps in bright purple. I eyed her arms and my eyes spotted the bracelet. I instantly felt all the blood rush down and out of my face. I was furious on the inside, I was burning up.

“Aaa 7abeebti! Kil 3am wentay ebkhair” Said Flans uncle as soon as he saw ‘her’. Flans uncle was the main share holder in the company he owned the majority of it.

I turned around to walk out of the meeting room and as soon as I swung the door open I walked straight into Flan.

“Your ’sister’ is here, excuse me” I said shoving him out of the way.
“Flana?! What the hell is wrong with you?”
I kept on walking away but shortly decided to turn around, he was standing at one end of the empty echoing hallway.
“You Flan! You are wrong with me!”|

He started walking fast towards the end of the corridor where the elevators were, I kept pushing the button to call the elevator in hope that that would make it come faster. I could hear his foot steps becoming louder.

“Flana, can you please explain to me what’s going on?”
“How about YOU tell me what’s going on? You flirt with me for days on end, you look at me in ways I didn’t even think were possible, I’ll be on my desk working then realise you’ve been standing outside of my cubicle staring at me for 10 minutes… I’m hopelessly devoted to you. You flan, you! No-one else but you. Not only can I feel the sparks Flan, everyone else can too. So why?? Can you please tell me why do you lie to me? WHY DO YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING AND CLAIM ITS FOR YOUR SISTER WHEN ITS FOR YOUR FIANCE!!?!?”
I was so shocked as to what I just said my jaw dropped opened, my mouth took over my brain and took control of its self, it’s like the brain cells telling me to stop talking weren’t working.
“Flana, she is my sister…”
“O ba3ad? You have the heart to lie to me to my face?!?! Then what was all that about 2 weeks ago, you kissing her, whispering in her ear?”
“That was about you” He started to blush “I was telling her that’s the girl I want in my life and she laughed and said 7ather min 3yooni I will tell dad, so I kissed her… Flana?”

Oh shit, I could feel myself cringing, I’d just made a fool out of my self, but still he could be lying.

“Ok then prove it to me Flan, prove to me you love me, prove to me I’m the one you…”

He didn’t let me finish my sentence, he grabbed my hands and pushed me into the elevator and started kissing me, I pushed him off he pulls me towards him, I struggle and run out of the elevator, I run down the fire escape stairs.
I can hear his voice shouting from the top of the stairs

“Flana walla I’m so sorry, Flana la takhtheen fikra ghala6 3ani ib balich”
“Well it’s too late for that!” I scream
“It’s okay” I quietly say to myself as I run down the steps “It’s okay”

I run to my car, silent tears streaming down my face. I get in, put the car on reverse and come out of my space. All I heard was the back of my car smashing into another one. I get out and see that it’s his car that I backed into. He had a dent, and my bumper was fine but was out of place

“SHIT!” I say out loud

I get back into my car and drive back home. By the time I get to the house my back bumper was practically falling off, my brother see’s me and asks what happened. I tell him some idiot crashed into me and drove off.
I was crying. He hugs me and says
“Don’t worry 7ayati, ma teswa el salfa tabcheen 3alayha”
I hear his words and burst into a fresh pool of tears.

If only he knew what I was really crying about.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Blistered.Skies on Flickr

I woke up bright and early the next morning. My smile out-shined the sun! I couldn’t wait to find out the wonders the day held for me. I came out the shower and warmed my toes on the crisp white towel I’d layed out on the floor. I wrapped my hair in the little towel and proceeded to the bedroom where I perched my self on my little plush leather and wooden stool.

I begin to apply my make up, this is how the routine went with make up. I’d apply my base foundation then a swift line of bronzer to define my jaw line. A slick line of liquid eye-liner to bring out the colour of my eyes and last but not least my Rimmel 321 that I don’t think I can leave the house without. I decided to let my hair down today, so I air dried my hair, running my fingers through it, it wasn’t straight or curly.

I put on my electric short, blue, high waisted skirt with my white shirt and bright white peep toe Louboutins. Those shoes would make any hideous outfit look beautiful, they’ve never failed to put me in a good mood. I felt like wonder woman with my color combination.

(Half an hour later)

“9aba7 el khayr”
“You guys wanna order Fatayer?”
“Peter bring Rana and me 2 nescafes please”
“El meeting is at 11:30″

Blah. blah, blah… Yalla when is he coming, I thought to myself as I waited in agony, I was so eager to show him what I’d been working on…

I saw him and jumped from my seat and made my way to his office confidently. I knocked on the door.

“Tfathal” His voice boomed

I peeked my head round the corner.

“Aaa Flana! I’ve been waiting” He said, wafting his hands in a welcoming manner.
“Oh really?” I thought to myself

I walked in and sat on the chair beside him, he still didn’t have a proper desk because we were renevating so it was more like a meeting room table with chairs. A couple of papers, his laptop, half a cup of coffee and a cup with a couple of pens in it.

We started working and whenever I looked down my long hair would brush on to the top of his hand. It happened a couple of times until he looked up from the pieces of paper and caught my eye for what felt like an eternity. I pulled my hair back and let it fall loosely over my shoulders.

I could feel his eyes ripping me apart, looking at each and every part of my body, taking each part of me in and savouring it for the longest time, my eyes, but he looked deep, deeper than anyone has ever looked at me before, my hair, he adorned my hair, my long black waves, my shoulders, the bones on my chest, the opening of my shirt. I felt so vulnerable at that moment but I knew I had him. I could tell from the way he looked at me. I knew he was mine. I’ve never been so attracted to the way a man looked at me, dissecting each and every inch of me.

“I’m sorry” he said, snapping out of his daze that he’d sucked me into with him.
“It’s okay” I whispered, finding it hard to speak. I could feel my cheeks flushing a dark shade of red

We finished what we were doing and I stood up to go back to my desk. He grabbed my hand and as soon as he did my heart fell to my gut but I didn’t hesitate to pull it away.

“Flana I need your help with something” he said as he let go of my hand
“Sure.. anything” I squeaked
“I need you to come with me to Salhiya to pick something up for my sister, it’s her birthday in 4 days…”
“Sure, when do you want to go?”
“Now?”
“Ok”
“Bes pick up your stuff and we’ll leave…”

I made my way to the bathroom fixed my self up and waited for him.

“Jahza?” he said with a smile
“Ee” I smiled back

We made our way to the parking lot. I noticed he was a very smiley person. The whole ride down he would look at me and smile and quickly turn away.
We reached Salhiya, he parked his car up front, turned the engine off and handed the key to the valet guy. As soon as we walked in he turned left into Cartier.

“I’m not sure whether I should get her a ring or a bracelet?”
“Well how old is she?”
“26″
“I think a bracelet”
“Ok shoofay hatha” He said picking up the Love full paste bracelet
“I like it”
“Khalas 3ayal, that settles it, maku a7la min thoqich”
“Mashkoor” I giggled
“Flana please try on the different sizes they have, ehya eedha taqreeban the same size as yours”
“Ok…”

The woman brought over the different sizes and he took the smallest one out as I reached my wrist out for him to put it on my hand.

“Zain chithee?”
“It’s too small”
“Ok o hatha” he said, he brought the next size up and put it on my wrist so delicately, his finger tips brushing against the inside of my palm made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I was so tempted to say it didn’t fit just so he would put another bracelet on my hand.

In my head I imagined he was buying it for me, I imagined we would get into his car and he zoom me back to his house where my parents in law and children were waiting.
We would sit on the large dinner table, talk casually over food.
I’d have one of my babies on the high chair beside me and she would spit out her first words ever. He’d run to the room get the video camera and we’d all be around her.
I’d fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV, my head on his lap. His parents sitting on the couch opposite to us eating popcorn from small bowls.

“Excuse me, could you gift wrap this please?”

I snapped out of my day dream

We left, the drive back was so awkward I could’ve cried. He dropped me off at my car before I got out to leave he grabbed my arm looked me in the eye and said
“Mashkoora Flana, my sister is gonna love it, thanks to you”
“It’s okay, anytime”
We smiled at each other for the longest time until I turned my head and got out of the car.
“Thanks again Flana”
“You’re most welcome”
I was a bit scared at the way he was holding on to my hand but I noticed he was a very touchy-feely person with everyone, even at work.

I got in to my car and he drove off. I sat in my car for about 4 minutes still in awe at what happened.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: gt_hawk63 on Flickr.

I abruptly turned around and saw a tall attractive man wearing a dishdasha and silver rimmed aviator sunglasses. He took them off and looked me dead in the eye.

My heart warmed up when I realised who it was, an old old friend from high school, I hobbled over still startled because I thought it was Flan. I put my arms around him and burst into tears, burying my face between his shoulder and chest, holding his back with my hands, I felt safe for that moment. I really needed a friend right there and then. He looked at me with worried eyes and said

“I know you miss me babe but ley hal daraja?”
I giggled between my tears and re-assured him that wasn’t the reason
“3ayal shfeech 7abeebti?”
“How much time do you have?”
“All day… for you”
“7abeeby inta ” I giggled, wiping the tears from under my sunglasses
“I know this cosy little place really close by, just follow me”
“Ok” I agreed
I followed him in my car, he was cutting through the traffic. I could see him looking at me and laughing as I tried to do the same but failing terribly. I followed him to Ahmad Tower, we parked across the road and walked into Casper and Gambinis. The heat from the 12pm sun beating at the back of my neck. We walked in and sat on the little table with two couches on the left. The Lebanese waiter brought menus over to us, we ordered the same drink.

“Two mocha after eights please”
“Tekram 3aynik” The waiter replied back politely
“So, tell me, what was all that about, you kicking Flan’s car?”
“How come you know his name?”
“Oh Flan and I go way back, before school”
I was still in shock as to what I was hearing
“Flana, shfeech? Min mota ana a3arfich? You know you can tell me anything..”
“Well…” I lit a cigarette “The thing is…..”

I told him the story from A-Z, from the day I first laid eyes on him I walked into the company he was there in between all the people giving out orders left, right and center. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that I wanted him in my life. I talked and talked told him all about our rendezvous in the elevator, catching each others eyes in the work place, exchanging flirtatious glances in meetings. I told him everything, when I tried to talk about what happened with “her” today. I felt a bubble in my throat. I’d been in this job for a good 6 months and I never knew she existed.

He reached out for my hand, this is the moment where I felt helpless, where I felt so weak, I felt like a little child that’s toy had been taken away. The quiet tears started running down my face again.
“Bes Flana, Flan isn’t married, he’s like my brother. I can assure you that she isn’t his wife 7abeebti”
“Are you sure?” I said through tears
“Positive”

I sipped my drink, pondering over who this woman is. What pissed me off even more is her bag. I’ve been on the waiting list for it, for at least 8 months now.

“I promise you I will find out who she is, he’ll be outside your door asking for your hand in marriage quicker than you can say his name”
“There’s no need for that…” I assured “I have my ways”
“Whatever helps you sleep better babe, I’d better get back to work and you’d better do the same, we’ll be in touch”
I kissed him good bye and walked back to my car. I felt a little better knowing she wasn’t his wife, but also a little saddened at the fact that he behaved in that way with a woman that wasn’t his wife.

I got back to the office after a long drive in the congested roads of Kuwait City. I had to park extremely far away because someone took my space. I got back to my office and made all the changes that everyone from the meeting suggested and elaborated on them further which is what they asked for. It was around 5:00 and everyone had left the office about an hour ago, the tea boy emptying out all the bins into his big black plastic bag, taking away all the empty tea cups and half eaten biscuits. I put my Fairuz up loud, concentrating on my presentation. I saved everything and decided to leave at around 5:30.

“9ij mazaaj, Fairuz ha?”
I looked up and caught Flans eye, the twinkle was there, exactly the way it looked when I left him last
“You like her?” I said with a smile
“I love her” He said with a bigger smile
“Ana ba3ad”
“I can tell, 9arlaha sa3a ga3d et7in, I figured it out”
“Asfa etha az3ajtik” I blushed
“Maku ez3aj, don’t worry” He winked at me “Mashya wela m6awla?”
“I’m closing my computer now”
“Ok, I’m waiting for you”

Is he serious? IS HE SERIOUS?! IS HE FOR REAL… Calm and collected I thought to myself, calm and collected…

He was on his cell phone talking to his mum, how cute I thought to myself. I got up, adjusted my skirt and pushed my hair up with my right hand and picked up my folders with my other hand.
I walked out of my cubicle, he was still on the phone, smiled at me and gestured with his head for me to go in front of him, I didn’t question. We both waited in silence for the elevator, the ding broke the silence as we both stepped in. The strong scent of his masculinity filling the small space, I closed my eyes and took it all in letting it intoxicate my mind and soul. I loved his smell more than anything else. The sound of the elevator woke me from my daze. We stepped into the parking lot, walking side by side, it felt so right that I was smiling a little inside.

“Sayartich b3eeda?”
“No…”
“Well there isn’t a car in sight so it must be pretty far?”
“It’s just round the corner..”
“Don’t lie to me, maku wela sayara on this floor, and I’m not gonna let you walk alone, if something happens to you I will be blamed because you were last seen with me” he giggled
“Wayn ga3deen? New York” I teased
“Tfathelay in the car, I’ll drop you”
“Thanks” I said, not hesitating.

He drove me to my car, it was so awkward I can’t even begin to describe it. My heart was palpitating I was so scared I thought he could hear it.

“It’s just here, thank you so much”
“You’re most welcome”

I stepped out and into my car, my body relaxed once it smelt the cosy familiar smell of bukhoor and fabric softener. As soon as he turned the corner I got out of the car and popped my heels on the back seat and took out my havianas, I did a little victory dance and jumped back into my seat laughing to myself out loud. I put on my feel good play list on my iPod and smiled all the way home. I parked my car behind my Dads and got out still smiling, my heels in one hand and briefcase in the other. I walked into the door and went straight up to my room dropped everything on the floor and fell on the bed, stared at the ceiling and giggled to myself. I felt like a kid in a candy store, like a 9 year old who just had her first kiss behind the shelves in the library at school, like a teenager who just turned 18 and her dad bought her a car, like a person on ecstasy. My smile was literally shining. I rolled over and opened the top of my laptop and sat down to write today’s escapades.

Things are finally looking up for Flan and I…

‘Till next time…

Flana

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: ipl31 on Flickr

I’m not going to begin to bore you with my daily stalking from the comfort of my car, it’s pretty much the same everyday, except some days the security line is a little longer and I miss the best 20 seconds of my day, where I’m alone with him in a 4×4 concealed space. I take the elevator up all on my own today watching the tall towers in front of me zoom past, I keep going up until everyone is the size of an ant, I step out in to the workspace, down the corridor and into my cubicle.

The office is bustling with noise more than usual for some reason. I sit and watch everyone as I wait for my computer to start up. All the men in their perfectly pressed dishdashas and loafers. The women in their Louboutins with the shiny red soles, Dolce and Gabbana suit jackets and emerald drop earrings. The clumsy 19 year old interns that drop coffee on their shirts. The Indian tea boy handing out all the photocopies he’s made. The “farashat” in their long skirts and diamante studded 7ijabs. In between all these people ‘flan’ stands out like a diamond between rocks.

I see him and I know it’s not physically possible but my heart feels like it’s going to stop. He walks through the jumble of people straight at my desk, like it’s his target. My heart starts to palpitate and I can hear it in my ears like a marching band, it beats so hard I can feel it ripping my chest open. Everyone’s speech is slurred and they’re all moving so slowly. He walks into the doorway and as soon as he opens his mouth to speak everything returns to normal, everyone’s moving at a normal pace again, life just fast forwarded in front of my eyes. Everything moved fast except for my heart, my beat slows down to a stop.

“El salam 3alaykum”
He says without looking at me or waiting for a reply
“Shoof el khazana hathe! Wadha el main office ely yam maktab Bu Waleed” he orders the worker

I print out the presentation I’d been working on for developing our department at the company, 7 copies, 7 CDs in 7 perfectly clear plastic folders. I slip my business card into 3 of them because there will be 3 people not from the office. I put my glasses on and took my Rimmel 321 red lipstick with me to the bathroom and applied it so perfectly, contouring the corners of my lips. With a click of my patent leather gray scale gradient Prada heels and a flick of my long black hair I made my way to the meeting room. I could see him through the glass as I patiently waited for the managing director to call me in.

“Flana, tfathelay dakhil, 7ayach”

“Dam fathlik” I say, blushing a little

“El salam 3alaykum” He said with the cheesy grin I know so well and a twinkle in his eye

“Hi” I reply back stupidly

Hi?! Hi?????!! That’s the only word I can think of face to face with the man of my dreams

The meeting started. I stood up and went to the front of the room and inserted the CD into the slot in the screen, double clicked the only document there and the projector started my presentation. I handed out the documents, there was one leftover, I figured it was for the person meant to sit beside him because there was an empty seat.

I started explaining my plan in details to the room full of all these successful business men in their late 30’s I felt so confident being the only woman there, all eyes were on me. Amidst my speech the door flew upon and a very attractive woman walks in. She inevitably sits in the empty seat beside him I thought nothing of it until he planted her a heart felt kiss on her cheek and whispered something in her ear as she dropped her head back and let out an appreciative loud laugh. She pulls up her bright orange Hermes Birkinbag and places it on the table beside him. My smile slowly turns into a frown and I froze. The image in my head kept replaying, him kissing her then whispering in her ear, the laugh coming shortly afterwards, her laugh kept echoing through my head. I can only imagine what he said for her to laugh like that. My body immediatelystarted fuming and I could feel my ears turning red.

“Flana? …. Shfeech Sikatay? Kamlay, we’re listening…”

Pull your self together I thought to my self.

“Laa, Laa.. Wala shay, I’m fine, sorry sara7t, sorry, walla wella shay…”

Oh shit! This word vomit needs to stop! I’m not making sense…

The meeting ended, the longest half hour of my life. I shook their hands except his because he was attending to a phone call. They thanked me and I walked out of the room with my head held high I walked ahead.

“Flana!”

I heard his voice and quickly turned around. His head was popped out of the meeting room door and his phone still held close to his ear

“Mashkoora 3ala majhoodich…”

“That’s my job” I said with a smile

If only he knew it was all for him…

I picked up my bag from my desk and confidently made my way to the bathroom. As soon as my eyes knew I was alone I instantly fell to the floor below me and drowned my self in a pool of eyeliner streak filled tears. I sobbed for England. I lit a cigarette and took a deep long drag. I felt the smoke fill up my lungs and come out when I exhale. The smoke filling the small confined place I was in. I look into it wishing I was anywhere but here. I got up and washed my face and reapplied the necessary make up and my way out of the bathroom. Walked down the hallway and through the lobby of the tower, out into the parking lot. I could see his car in front of me. I “mistakenly” kicked his tyre walking away not looking back…

“Flana? What was that?” said a mans voice

Oh shit!! I didn’t even want to turn around…

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: nonati on Flickr

When I thought of what I would write for my first post, my brain started spitting out ideas like a tennis ball machine raging against the player, I shortly found myself in front of my laptop so lost for words that it hurt to think.

So I look around my idiotically small cubical in hope of finding something to spark the fire of inspiration. I didn’t look for too long because my eyes found him, I focused on him and the world around him just blurred out. So I thought since this blog is gonna be about my love escapades then why don’t I start with the one I see everyday?

Every morning at precisely 7:55 am his luminous sky blue Maserati pulls up into the first parking space when his engine turns off I can hear the silence, he steps out and I anticipate that moment everyday, it is when I find out whether he’s wearing his crispy clean white dishdasha and equally white ghetra or one of his many Italian suits. So I sit in my car watching him from underneath my sunglasses, he steps out. I quickly grab my brief case adjust the band in my hair that’s tied back and I get out of my car and I follow his foot steps into the tower.

I put my brief case in the x-ray machine as he walks through without anyone thinking to stop him or ask for ID, they wouldn’t dare speak to him, he’s a feared person in the company and known in his field of work. The security man rummages aimlessly in my brief case just because that’s the protocol of the company and I urge him to hurry up claiming I have a meeting. I grab my brief case from him and run across the marble floor, my tight high-waist black skirt enables me from running too fast, my heels clicking with every step. I wasn’t late for anything I just wanted to catch the same elevator as him.

I slip my hand into the elevator, stopping it from closing and I step in and he’s right at the back attending to his calls on his cell phone and fixing his nazfa, another half a dozen people step into the elevator and I stand right at the front beside the elevator buttons which are all lit up on different floors. The doors close and all I hear is
“You’re breaking, I’ll call you when I get off of this elevator”
We stop at another half a dozen floors, everyone gets off except ‘him’ and I. We get to the 21st floor and by that time he has shifted to the front of the elevator and I was at the back, I wait silently for him to get off 4 or 5 seconds pass and the doors are still open and he hasn’t stepped off I hesitate not knowing whether I should step out in front of him my brain starts working over time not knowing whether I should get off or not, is he going to another floor? Is he looking at his mobile? Is he waiting for me to go in front of him? He turns around and looks at me and says in the manliest voice and the cutest smile…
“Etha ma tanzileen I’m gonna presume you work 3ala 6abiq thany kil yowm?”

-Shit! I remember when I was too embarrassed to get off the elevator a couple of times so I’d stop at a different floor then take the stairs. Shit! Shit! He remembers!-

I force a giggle and say “I don’t, thank you”
“7ayach…” He says and moves to the side for me to pass
“Allah y7ayeek” I force the words to come out of my mouth.

I walk ahead and down the corridor to where my cubicle is and I can see him in the mirror at the end of the corridor, he’s walking behind me and he continues his phone call and I can see him checking me out, he isn’t even slightly trying to hide it. My cheeks instantly flush a red colour complimenting my lipstick and I quickly turn into the first cubicle to my right. I wait until he’s turned the corner and proceed to walk to my cubicle, I hear a woman’s voice behind me say
“Who are you hiding from?”
I hesitate, the words escape me…
“Ummmm, sorry, I thought this was my cubicle…”
She looks at me with an unimpressed, unconvinced smirk
I quickly say sorry again and scurry to my cubicle.

I get in and slam my bag down onto the desk and turn the screen of my computer on. This is the place where I spend my day until 3:30 in the afternoon. A place where catching his eye, a glimpse of his body or the sound of his voice makes my day. He’s one of the main reasons I wake up in the morning, the reason why I adjust my skirt a little higher, the reason why I spend 20 minutes putting my hair in an up-do, the reason why I paint my nails, the reason why I care about the way I look. The reason why I work such a crappy job even though I have a much higher degree and the chance to work somewhere else. But no, I choose to work here, to sit in this 4 x 3 cubicle and waste my life away.

More about ‘him’ later.. We’ll call him Flan just for the sake of argument.

Till next time.

NOTE: The above is a fictional story – NONE of it is real – It is ALL made up
Photograph: Yoshiko314 on Flickr